The 50 Plus Male

A couple of years ago, my wife Nita got smacked with the realization she was beginning to go through “the change,” i.e. menopause.  God bless her, she’s been riding out this storm with the grit and grace of an America’s Cup skipper. Some days are worse than others, but the mood swings have only been semi-alarming  rather than outright menacing…think of  the difference between sitting on a merry go-round horse versus riding a roller coaster…it may be an up-and-down journey, but at least there aren’t any wild plunges and turns.

As far as the swings  in Nita’s body temperature (which generally occur at bedtime), well, let me describe this from the male viewpoint by quoting one of my best friends: “Fan off/fan on; windows up/windows down; blanket off/ blanket on.”  Hey, I’m, not complaining –these temperature fluctuations can be hellish to constantly bear. Nita and I have come to naming these sudden strikes as “surges,” and if a surge has her on the ascending phase of the peak (guys, that means the mercury is rising), I have quickly learned this isn’t the time to get cuddly or even think of gliding into a “spoon” position—better to remember the old driving axiom of remaining one car-length behind for every ten miles/hour of speed.

(Talk about surges, wait until she reads these introductory paragraphs!)

This got me to thinking about changes men experience beginning in their fifties, kind of a “male  menopause” if you’ll allow me some wiggle room here. It’s every bit as personal a journey on our side of the ledger, and as I’ve taken some “not insignificant” liberties with my wife’s travails, it’s only right to divulge my mea culpa…

1. My nose hairs and ear hairs need to be cut more often than the scarcity remaining on my head.

2. I remember  celebrating with my friends at their kids’ communions and bar/bat mitzvahs…they’ve grown too quickly and are getting married now.

3. Receiving a low PSA score from my annual testing is cause for elation.

4. A Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin song plays on the radio, and I no longer change the station.

5. I think of the joy felt when I became an uncle for the first time; now my nieces are driving.

6. I still possess some level of athletic ability, but I’ve come to grips with the fact I’ll never be on a box of Wheaties.

7. With all of the wondrous fiber benefits, I can’t understand why I waited until turning 56 to begin taking Metamucil…gee, maybe it’s not just for “old” people.

Guys, for us “the change” is both a ride taken in a supportive role with our wives, as well as a solo  journey. Don’t fight the inevitable—it’s best to adhere to the great Gospel-oriented song by Curtis Mayfield and The Impressions, “People Get Ready.” It may have been written by Mayfield  to offer a spiritual message of redemption and forgiveness, but the opening lines echo my thoughts:

“People get ready, there’s a train a-comin’                                                                                  You don’t need no baggage, you just get on board”

(Note: Nita still hasn’t come home and read the first two paragraphs—I’m still among the living.)

-Neal  

In an August 2009 post, Nothing Like The Sun, we began addressing health concerns pertinent to the 50 plus male (in this case, melanoma). It’s time to discuss another health matter just as relevant to us since doctors generally don’t broach the subject until you turn 50 years of age—the importance of undergoing a colonoscopy.

Colonoscopies, based on personal experience, are unduly dreaded; neither the prep work nor the procedure warrant the fingernail-chewing, raw-nerve reaction experienced by so many people when the subject arises. I’m not suggesting the prep and procedure is particularly pleasant; just rest assured your doctor will sedate you so you’re in la-la land while an invasion into the deep unknown takes place…it’s a journey where the good doctor so boldly goes forth where no man has gone before, well guy, it would make Capt. Kirk proud.

Let’s educate you on the basics: a colonoscopy is a procedure that allows doctors, typically either a gastroenterologist or a proctologist, to look inside the colon and rectum (note: the colon and rectum are the two main parts of the large intestine). The purpose is to detect early signs of colorectal cancer and diagnose any bleeding, changes in bowel habits, or pain emanating from your anus or abdomen.

You’ll get instructions from the nurse during the initial exam for performing a bowel prep prior to the procedure; this is to make sure that all solids are emptied from your gastrointestinal tract so the doctor has a clear view during this Invasion of Normandy. The prep will have you following a clear liquid diet for 1-2 days before the colonoscopy—fluids such as plain tea, bullion and certain sports drinks are allowed. The afternoon/evening before the procedure is when you’ll take a prescribed laxative (ex. MiraLAX) mixed with a 64 ounce bottle of clear fluid (such as certain types of Gatorade). You’ll generally be asked to drink 8 ounces approximately every half hour until the bottle is finished. Here’s a small hint—this is the portion of the prep that will drain you of any waste in your body, so it’s best to be home at this time. By the third intake of fluid, the gurgling in your stomach is about to erupt in a fashion that would make Old Faithful’s geyser pale in comparison! Wind sprints to the bathroom can become the norm. If people at work see you during this time, they’ll think you’re doing interval training for the 100m dash…

OK, the big day has arrived—here’s the good news—the worst is actually over. Once on the table (colonoscopies are many times an in-office procedure), you’ll lay on your left side and either be given a light sedative or you’ll be completely knocked-out (definitely my choice). The doctor will then insert a flexible lighted tube called a scope into your anus and slowly guide it into the colon and rectum. There’s a small camera at the end of the scope that transmits video images to a computer screen, enabling the doctor to view the intestinal lining and check for polyps, diverticulitis and other possible complications with your plumbing system. If necessary, a tissue biopsy can be taken and will be sent to the lab.

Recovery takes 30-60 minutes while the sedation wears off; once awake you may have some minor cramping or feel slightly bloated, but this quickly passes. Make sure you have a family member or friend along since you won’t be allowed to drive yourself home.

The general consensus among doctors is to undergo a colonoscopy once every 5-7 years after you’ve hit the big 5-0. Just like learning to ride a bike, it’s much easier the second time around. There’s no sense in fretting over such an important preventative health procedure. Like anything else in life, there’s always a humorous side…I was recently sent an email detailing some actual commentary to physicians from male patients at their colonoscopies that I’ll gladly share with you:

“Can you hear me NOW?”

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

“You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

“You know, in certain states, we’re now legally married.”

Finally, my personal favorite…”Could you write a note for my wife saying my head is not up there?”

-Neal

My wife, Nita, is often the recipient of a somewhat “left-handed” compliment from me. I throw it out  there whenever she asks a question that almost causes whiplash as I quickly turn my head towards her silently wondering “where did that thought come from?” Over the years I’ve come to accept these outlier queries as a by-product of Nita’s fertile creativity. She provides the right-brain qualities (intuitive, random thinking) of our union  while I  counterbalance with the left-brain (rational, analytical) component.

As a member of the boomer-generation, I like to think experience and wisdom ensure the capacity to adequately answer  anything asked by my wife. Sometimes, however, these surprise questions from Nita have a hidden aspect to them…they’re (unwittingly?) dropped as potential landmines if I don’t watch my step in how I address them.

I’m not alone in tip-toeing around these not-so-innocuous lobs from my wife; I’m willing to bet almost 100% of us 50 plus males continually find ourselves attempting to politely dodge any kind of consternation when these types of questions are asked by our wives. These instances call for aplomb and quick analysis, not paralysis.

There are obvious examples of these bombshell questions from our wives; one of the most common being “Honey, is it OK if my mother comes live with us?” This one is so potentially “deadly” that it warrants a blog post unto itself, so let’s temporarily shun it aside (whew!). We’ll stick with two that are a bit less volatile to deal with.

First up is the inevitable worry expressed by so many wives when modeling a newly purchased outfit for their husbands: “Does this make me look fat?” When I first got married and Nita asked me this, I immediately got that “deer-in-a-headlight” look in my eyes and stuttered “Ugh, ugh no honey.” Needless to say, that reply provided zero support and I received a raised eyebrow look from Nita that was countering with “What exactly are you saying dear?”  I had inadvertently stepped on the landmine and immediately knew that having sex that night was totally out of any realm of possibility.

Nowadays, I calmly, coolly answer “it fits you just right, like it was made for you.” Momma didn’t raise no dummy guys, I’ve learned my lesson! This is not to say I don’t try to be honest with Nita; if I don’t find an outfit particularly appealing, it’s now broached with an “I like it but don’t love it” comment. Look-up the word “delicacy” guys, you’ll find it under “D” in the dictionary…

The second example of questions from Nita that signal “danger Will Robinson!, danger Will Robinson!” arises when she asks me anything that starts with “Honey, I was thinking, how would you feel if (fill-in the blank)?” I immediately know that any answer to these questions is going to cost serious money. More often than not, these questions are about home remodeling, such as “how would you feel if we knocked-out this wall and replace it with custom built-in storage, a flat-screen TV, new lighting, and…(keep adding-up the $$$). In this case, wisdom has taught me to reply with “Hon, I never would have thought of that; it’s a great idea and we’ll definitely have to put it on our list once we can afford to do it.” At this point guys, I trust you still have that dictionary opened to “D.”

I have to give kudos to my wife; she constantly amazes me with her imaginative thinking, even with the inevitable possibility of brandishing an axe to our bank account. As for that “left-handed” compliment I mentioned at the beginning of this post…it’s short, sweet, and simple: “Honey, it never gets boring!”

-Neal

I’m in the middle of a lazy, overcast Sunday morning putting the finishing touches on breakfast. It’s the one day of the week I have our paper (The Philadelphia Inquirer) delivered, providing  the opportunity to “lose myself” for a couple of hours reading through its entirety. The Currents section, offering editorials and commentary, and the Local News section contain articles that are unwittingly related to one another and spark the idea behind this post.

One article, written by Bob Martin, a former Inquirer writer and editor, is entitled “We could go  a long way toward being brotherly,” with the subtitle “Our orneriness drags us down.” It details Mr. Martin’s description of an older work acquaintance nicknamed “Slim” who has since passed on; a gentleman known for his blue-collar survival skills and fierce “addytood,” who had  his way of doing the job and damn anyone who sought to introduce changes mentality. A colleague of Mr. Martin’s noted at Slim’s viewing that he looked more at peace than anytime he was alive. It made Mr. Martin wonder “if this hard edge that characterizes so much of our region serves any useful purpose or does it simply drag us down?”

The second article, by Jennifer Lin, an Inquirer staff writer, is entitled “Flap over Specter’s ‘act like a lady’ comment spreads.”  Senator Arlen Specter (D., Pa.) recently participated in a radio talk show with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) and the discussion had turned to the health-care bill. Specter noted that Rep. Bachmann had said she voted for prosperity, and countered that prosperity wasn’t a bill. Bachmann, briefly talking over him, stated “Well, why don’t we make it a bill?” Specter immediately responded in a cantankerous manner, retorting “don’t interrupt me. I didn’t interrupt you. Act like a lady.”  A couple of additional barbs flew by, but you get the idea. Rep. Bachmann was taken aback by the the Senator’s arrogance and felt like he was essentially telling her to “just sit back and keep quiet.” National media outlets have since picked-up the story, calling Specter’s remarks “patronizing, demeaning and disrespectful.”

All of this begs the question of why civility isn’t exercised more often than hot-tempered, intractactable behavior in our normal discourse with one another?  I used to encounter this stark difference in my former job. I always enjoyed the easy-going, extremely polite cadence when speaking with clients located in the Southern U.S. versus what I encountered with some clients in the Northeastern part of the country. Mr. Martin’s article referenced similar instances of this type of pleasant demeanor experienced during a recent trip in Florida.

I’m not being naive…none of us have the capacity to always be “Mr. Happy.”  I’m merely suggesting, particularly as we 50 plus males age, it’s not a given that we naturally fall into becoming irascible old men with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Senator Specter could have courteously asked Rep. Bachmann to please allow him to finish before rebutting his comments. Thoughtfulness generally trumps sarcasm. This applies to many types of instances we confront in a typical day. I’m still in a learning stage, having recently been chastised by a couple of friends for my penchant of quickly saying “hello” when they phone and almost immediately turning the call over to my wife.

Guys, Mr. Martin is right…most times, exhibiting a hard edge can and should be replaced with genial behavior and respectfulness.

-Neal

What’s the first memory you have of last year’s Baseball All-Star game? Can you remember who won or the final score (hint: American League, 4-3)? Many people, myself included, primarily remember that broadcast for the criticism leveled at President Obama, who threw out the first pitch, for his “unfashionable” choice of jeans. So-called arbiters of fashion called them “dad jeans,” while others designated them as “mom jeans.”

President Obama, to his credit, merely shrugged his shoulders and stated that comfort rules fashion in his jean selection. I’m about to buy two new pairs of everyday jeans to replace the two pairs that have served me so well the past couple of years…that’s everyday jeans as in my “non-work uniform/working around the house” jeans, not dress jeans which I typically save for casual evening-out wear on the weekends. This upcoming trip to the store is what has me thinking about the President’s recent dilemma.

For years, my everyday jeans have been Levi’s 550’s–basic sit-at-the-waist/relaxed-fit in the seat and thigh/tapers below the knee jeans. I buy them because:

a. they’re comfortable

b. they’re comfortable

c. they’re comfortable and I’ve always thought they fit me OK

d. they’re comfortable and reasonably-priced and I can readily purchase them on sale at various department stores

e. I’m not a hip-hop kind of guy; I don’t wear my jeans around my knees

Upon hearing that I was ready to replace my old everyday jeans (I donate the used jeans to Purple Heart), my wife immediately lectured (chided?) me because “I have no ass,” and she’s never liked the 550’s. Mind you, this is not just a newsflash for me; I’m gleaning this information for the first time in almost twenty-two years of marriage!

If you’ve shopped for jeans lately, you’ve found a dizzying array of choices: straight-fit, relaxed-fit, loose-fit in ten different finishes…each with an accompanying model number. Quite frankly, given we just want to purchase knocking-around jeans, it’s waaay (sic) too much for us 50 plus males to absorb. I’m with the President; if they’re comfortable and look OK, along with knowing they’re going to get “beat-up’ over time doing man-stuff around the home…boom!…that’s what I’m buying. Sorry honey, the flat-ass look is still in.

_Neal

If there’s a sport other than golf that can evoke a plethora of emotions so dichotomous to one another (relaxation vs. frustration, joy vs. rage), I’ve yet to come across it. I took-up the sport in earnest about ten years ago. I’m talking lessons followed by practice, more lessons followed by more practice, more lessons followed by…well, you get the idea. I actually felt a not so small measure of terror the day I played my first round, but once I made it off the first tee (yes, I had to take a mulligan), I was fine. I dissolved into the beauty of the course, letting the privacy it offered from the outside world shield me from my mundane daily responsibilities and worries.

Flashing forward to today finds my clubs gathering dust in the closet, not having played one round in the last few years. I’ve only been to the local driving range one time in recent memory. There’s no rhyme or reason why this has happened. My wife and I still vow to play the game some day (note: this is the only sport my wife will partake with me); the thought of all those lessons (and money) going for naught doesn’t sit well with us. More importantly, we simply had a good time during our brief affair with the game.

  In the course of some of my recent leisurely reading, I’ve come across a new set of “rules” for golf that I think will dramatically increase my resolve to stick with it the next time I pick-up my clubs; in fact, I strongly believe all 50 plus males who have a passion for the game may find  an uptick in their level of enjoyment should they decide to play by these new “rules,” so graciously proposed by Mr. Donald A. Metz of Devon, Pa.

Here are a few of his more important changes I can live with:

1. On beginning play, as many balls as may be required to obtain a satisfactory result may be played from the first tee. Everyone recognizes a good player needs to “loosen up” but does not have time for the practice tee.

2. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.

3. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree, and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice tuft of grass.

4. There is no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball, and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.

5. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop.

6. A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as “you could blow it in” may be blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.

I know what you’re saying, “Bobby Jones must be rolling over in his grave,” but just think how much more pleasurable the 19th hole would be for everyone…

-Neal

As we approach the New Year, many people are ruminating about recent misgivings and sins, simultaneously readying themselves for commitment to yet another list of personal resolutions. We all know how this generally works out…a couple of promises are pursued with purposeful intent while most of our list inadvertently falls by the wayside.

While each of us wrangle with our own efforts at righting the past year’s wrongs, I’d like to  leave The 50 Plus Male readers with a New Year’s present of some principles and instructions from The Official Rules by Paul Dickson, a collection published over thirty years ago. I’m dividing these gems for dealing with life’s struggles into three parts:  Everyday Living, Career, and Humorous Tidbits.

Everyday Living 

What man really fears is not so much extinction, but extinction with insignificance.~Ernest Becker

When inequality is the general rule in society, the greatest inequalities attract no attention.~ De Tocqueville

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.~Durant’s Discovery

The proof that you know something is that you are able to teach it.~Aristotle

If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.~Chas. Kettering

A fool in high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody~Matsch’s Maxim

Unless you put your money to work for you—you work for your money~Miller’s Law

Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you’re not.~Professional’s Law

You can observe a lot just by watching.~Yogi Berra

Career

Pay attention to the details—your customers do.~S. Chowdhury

What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.~Economists’ Law

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.~Sinclair Lewis

The longer the title, the less important the job.~McGovern’s Law

Our customer’s paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.~Brown’s Law of Business Success

In any organization, the potential is much greater for the subordinate to manage his superior than for the superior to manage his subordinate.~Rodovic’s Rule

All technology expands the space, contracts the time, and destroys the working group.~Rosenstock-Huessy’s Law of Technology

The minute you sign a client is the minute you start to lose him.~Public Relations Client Turnover Law

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.~Woman’s Equation

Humorous Tidbits

Never eat a a place called Mom’s, play cards with a man named Doc, or lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.~Algren

Anybody can win—unless there happens to be a second entry.~Ade’s Law

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.~Crane’s Rule

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.~Fischer’s Finding

The good parking places are always on the other side of the street.~Gumperson’s Law

Nice guys finish fast.~First Rule of Public Speaking

It works better if you plug it in.~Sattingler’s Law

You’re not drunk enough if you can lie on the floor without holding on.~Dean Martin

In closing out The 50 Plus Male for the calendar year, I want to wish all of you a safe, healthy, prosperous New Year. Thank you for your loyalty and support, my appreciation is limitless. We all hope for a calmer 2010 than the wild gyrations of 2009, but “while hope may be eternal, it’s not a strategy”… and remember you always need three umbrellas: one to leave at the office, one to leave at home, and one to leave on the train.

-Neal

In early Spring 2009, I read an on-line article published on MSN.com written by John W. Schoen, entitled “Boomers Face Stark Choices in Bleak Economy.” I felt the piece was so acutely on-point in terms of clarity and my personal situation at the time that I composed a rather lengthy email to Mr. Schoen praising him for his efforts.

Mr. Schoen’s article is part of a series called Reinventing America. While I’ve provided you a link to his piece, I’ll list the salient points in broad brushstrokes for you:

1. The collapse of the financial, housing, and job markets is causing the American Dream to disappear and boomers now find themselves in unimaginable, inexplicable straits. Many of us will be working later in life than originally planned at stagnant or decreased compensation levels.

2. In addition to the blow of boomers facing losses in their retirement accounts due to Wall Street’s recent collapse, many are depleting them to meet basic living expenses.

3. Boomers, representing the generation born to post-war families who rejoiced in the “good times that lay ahead,” are experiencing a palpable shift away from similar expectations. Our currently woeful economic climate will last longer than anything we’re used to, forcing many of us to question whether we will ever return to prosperity.

4. Many of us may have already seen our peak earning years surprisingly fade away at a much younger age than ever anticipated.

5. Some job skills are no longer transferrable due to becoming obsolete.

6. Losing our jobs, even under exigent circumstances, has usurped much of our pride and caused people to isolate themselves and not want to reach out for help.

7. Many baby boomers are encountering age discrimination in the course of job-hunting and their experience and advanced skill-sets are not what many cost-conscious employers are seeking.

8. All of this is causing many of us to reinvent ourselves in the pursuit of new careers, and this was not in our original game plan. For many boomers, reinventing oneself is not only difficult, but practically impossible.

9. The financial advice we’ve received during the past couple of decades (investing in the stock market and holding for the long-term, sacrificing to feed your IRA’s and 401 K’s) has come with greater than anticipated risk

10. Anxiety and stress levels have shot through the roof and many of us feel that our upcoming/present “golden years” have become permanently tarnished.

In December 2009 Mr. Schoen wrote another article, “Bleak Job Scene Poses Challenge for Obama.” This article deals with the slight economic recovery coupled with the continuing bleak job outlook that is not likely to dissipate anytime in the near future. I touched on this perplexing phenomenon in a previous post, Calling for George.

Points discussed by Mr. Schoen include:

1. Don’t be fooled by the recent slowing of job losses; any kind of recovery is going to be a long, arduous process…particularly the rehiring of so many displaced workers.

2. The stimulus package is slowly impacting our economy favorably, but lingering questions remain…is it enough or are additional measures by our government needed?/is there much more the government can or should do to stimulate job creation?

3. Unemployment figures are misleading; they do not count discouraged workers (people who have given up looking for a job) or the underemployed. Count these groups and the unemployment figure dramatically rises.

4. The current recession outstrips the previous one in scope.

5. The belief that an increased demand for products and services will give reason for employers to hire is a key impetus behind the extension of unemployment benefits (even though extensions add to our federal debt).

6. Increasing access to credit for small businesses will be a chief component of any recovery, but there is debate over how to best accomplish this, be it through tax cuts or an additional stimulus package.

After reading this article, I once again got in touch with Mr. Schoen. I’m happy to report that Mr. Schoen nicely sent swift replies to both of my emails. I’d like to share some of his thoughts with you.

According to Mr. Schoen, “’Boomers Face Stark Choices…” was one of the toughest stories he’s had to write in 30 years of reporting; in fact a portion of it was autobiographical. Many of the men he spoke to while composing the article had similar feelings to what I had expressed in my reply email, “the deep need to provide for family and a feeling of profound failure when we are no longer able to do so—or at least in a manner we believe we should.”  Mr. Schoen calls this our “cave man” DNA.

Mr. Schoen also stated that “I heard from many couples that the experience has brought them closer together, partly out of necessity. But adversity does force you to ask questions you might not otherwise and forces choices you may have been avoiding. Maybe it’s because most couples who have made it this far come to the realization that they’re not in it for the money.”

Regarding the “Bleak Job Scene Poses Challenge…” article, Mr. Schoen wrote to me acknowledging “since our last correspondence, I had heard from hundreds more 50-somethings who report things are getting worse, not better. Some have burned through savings trying to ‘do the right thing’ by paying off an underwater mortgage, only to lose the house after many months/years trying to get a break from their lender. A few I’ve met are on the verge of homelessness and this prospect seems very real to many more.”

Mr. Schoen has found, however, that many of his readers seem to be moving ahead into this new, unexpected phase in their lives with renewed energy. “They have no choice” said Mr. Schoen. “They feel there’s no sense in letting themselves get depressed and bitter.”

He goes on to say that there is also a wider mood amongst his readers of what he calls “recession  fatigue.” There is a great desire on everyone’s part to see the glass half full, to acknowledge “things are bad but maintain hope that we’re all through the worst and life will be back to normal in a few months or years.” Unfortunately, this yearning seems to be hampering meaningful solutions to very real, persistent problems. The panic is over, but the long-term damage still requires serious repair.

In the end, echoing Mr. Schoen’s thoughts, no matter what happens, we’re all going to be profoundly changed; hopefully it will be for the better.

-Neal

Few instances in life are more jolting than being told you have cancer. A few years ago I had a distressing urinary problem that initiated my first-ever visit to a urologist. The diagnosis was a bleeding cyst on my bladder, which I learned was a symptom of possible bladder cancer. Thank goodness, it was benign. Other than the untimely death of my father at a very young age (he was only 40) from a heart attack, nothing else in life besides that episode had taught me to appreciate life and treat each day as a gift.

Then, in March 2008, our family was hit by another fastball—my mother was diagnosed with Stage IIB lung cancer. She had just celebrated her 78th birthday and other than a slight hearing problem in one ear, was (so we thought) in remarkable health. She looked at least ten years younger and lived a full, active life filled with a loyal circle of friends, a zest for travel (including a recent trek to Africa!), while still working at a local law office two days/week. I’m ecstatic to report she is a survivor and her future prognosis couldn’t be brighter! My mother’s “adventure” struck my family to the core, but from the beginning, we provided a cohesive inner support team that functioned as one. We learned a lot, first and foremost how my mother re-defined the word “bravery,” but most importantly for you, some basic steps that should be undertaken if such a calamity strikes a member of your family or a friend.

The first piece of information details why I’m writing about this subject matter in The 50 Plus Male…cancer is predominantly a disease of older people. It’s estimated that about 60% of all new cancer cases occurs in the 65+ age category for both men and women. My mother was a smoker until she turned 40, and never showed any symptoms of lung cancer, but aging presents increased health risks and ‘lo and behold,’ her previous smoking habit determined it was pay-up time. 

Second is the crucial need for a strong support team for the patient. Don’t treat the word “cancer” or the actual condition as an anathema; it may sound harsh, but support team members need to just get over it and deal with it. It’s time to rally the troops, not spend precious time in a stupor. My wife and I, along with my brother and sister-in-law immediately came to my mother’s side to help her deal with the initial emotional trauma upon hearing the news from the doctor. Trust me, this is not a time for a loved one to be alone.

Next piece of advice—the support team needs to become ardent students of the particular form of cancer. My brother and I literally lived on the internet for the first couple of days, gathering numerous articles on both lung cancer and the best doctors/hospitals to consult. You shouldn’t ever, in my opinion, stop your learning cycle after just a couple of days, but we wanted to accumulate enough info as fast as possible to begin planning with our mother for how to proceed. She appreciated the concern and speed; it helped her get a grip on the situation. We narrowed our list of doctors/hospitals to six, and after numerous phone calls with some of my mother’s friends who had successfully battled cancer, along with recommendations from our own family doctors and an ensuing discussion with our mother, we narrowed the choices to three. My brother and I then placed calls to the three  doctors, who were very responsive upon hearing of our mother’s condition. We gave them credit, we surprisingly didn’t have to chase them down.

The common thread you should be noticing at this point is that we included my mother in every activity being undertaken. She was looking for us to manage the majority of the ground work (she didn’t sit idly by—she quickly became her own best student), but it’s integral that you don’t give the patient any sort of impression that they are an “island unto them self.” Ultimately, my mother made the final choice for where to go for her care.

The next suggestion deals with every doctor visit, but especially the initial consult. If there is ever a time where the patient’s mind is going to be off somewhere in la-la land, this is it. Powers of concentration from the patient, no matter how strongly they may be under normal circumstances, cannot be assumed by family members. Someone has to be by their side fully digesting what the doctor discusses and taking detailed notes. I also strongly suggest you bring a prepared list of questions gleaned from the research you’ve done beforehand. If you even sense the doctor is growing weary of the questioning, ignore it and press on. If the doctor has any sense, he’ll appreciate your preparedness; this helps form a constructive working relationship between all parties. Remember, you want answers, not a new friend!

The acute need to constantly remain aware of our mother’s emotional and spiritual state was paramount. She was rightly riding a roller coaster of emotions and it was up to us to both appreciate this fact and deal with it appropriately.

Once the treatment plan was finalized (biopsies/removal of a portion of my mother’s left lung), we took a few days to absorb everything; this was OK’d by the doctor.  Just getting to this point is exhaustive for all parties, not just the patient. While the game plan was to schedule the procedures ASAP, taking a couple of days off from all the running around and having thoughtful discussion was a blessing for everyone.

My sincere wish at this point is that your loved one’s operation goes as smoothly as my mother’s…she was talkative and inquisitive as soon as she was released from recovery and brought to her room. What a trooper—she was calming us down! Now, however, comes the après operation agenda.

A successful operation does not necessarily preclude a decisive decline in the patient’s emotional or spiritual trip to this point; we quickly learned through discussion with our mother and the doctor that a new set of concerns needed our attention, such as immediate post-op care (ex. radiation, chemotherapy), any possibility of physical limitations, long-term medical requirements (blood testing, follow-up doctor visitations, etc.), and financial-related questions.

As this post is already getting a bit lengthy, I will limit my discussion to only one of the aforementioned items—immediate post-op care. After discussion with the (new) doctor who would be in charge of the next stage of her care, my mother decided on chemotherapy. A word of caution so you won’t be shocked…you will  surprisingly be advised that undergoing chemotherapy as a preventative measure of cancer recurrence only produces minimal benefits in this regard.

If your loved one decides on chemotherapy, please be advised that you may want to accompany them  to the chemotherapy room, along with the presiding nurse, for their initial visit when they are given “the lay of the land” (in other words, before their first treatment). This can be a real shock, as the patient enters a room that can accommodate upwards of thirty-plus people at a time who are hooked-up to tubes. It can be a disturbing sight and produce a rush of emotion from your loved one; my mother’s eyes immediately started welling up. I instinctively turned to her and said ”I know what you’re thinking–what am I doing here?” I very gently put my arms around her and provided the answer—“this is where you finish getting well.” Needless to say, I joined her for the first two chemo appointments and by then, my mom was a pro and no longer craved company by her side. Credit to a wonderful nursing staff must be mentioned here.

Finally, my mother had requested communication with family and friends by us be kept to a minimum until after the operation, but we did not sway from interjecting our feelings as to when to fully enlist their support; effectively widening her circle of comfort. There were times we had to “override” my mother’s objections about who to include on the calling list; you will need to give this step some thought in terms of who can best be a real friend as opposed to just being a “busybody” who only wants to be kept up-to-date without truly acting as a source of strength.

Obviously, I’m not a medical professional, just someone with a modicum of common sense. I hope this discourse helps you…

-Neal

The current travails faced by Tiger Woods have become one of the lead stories for our national news outlets. On TV you don’t have to wait for the sports report typically airing during the second half of most newscasts; due to Tiger’s worldwide celebrity, he’s getting top billing along with our Mideast conflicts and economic woes.

I’m not surprised by this, but I am troubled. In the normal course of events involving a well-known public figure, it’s almost inevitable that true reporting of thoroughly checked details will soon digress into fodder for tabloids and other less venerable medial outlets. In Tiger Woods’ case, the (so far) implied salaciousness of the facts have already provided the framework for this habitual media activity…because news outlets (both legitimate and otherwise) are well aware that the public’s thirst for these stories is insatiable.

Why do we care so much?  Is it because we rejoice in seeing the mighty fall? I would first lay fault for this unbridled, yet disturbing public curiosity at the doorstep of what I call the “M Factor.” This is a term I’ve used throughout my working life whenever I encountered behavior in the workplace that was totally devoid of maturity…that’s how I define the “M Factor;” an absence of maturity in the situation at-hand. I seem to be in the minority when I state that I don’t think Tiger Woods owes anyone, other than his immediate family, an explanation for his current strife. I wasn’t always so blasé or easily forgiving; it’s just that being a 50 plus male has taught me what is truly important, and I now regard such “news” with near disdain.  I find myself wanting to shout “people, grow-up and act like an adult!”

Just think in terms of your everyday encounters, both personal and career-related, and how much more thoughtfully and pleasantly the day would have progressed if people learned to “leave their egos at the door” and act in a fully mature manner. I know what you may be thinking…emotion always comes into play, and that’s a big reason for the appearance of the “M Factor.” But those of us who have passed the 50 years of age plateau, having had the benefit of “seasoning” in what life has to offer, should be leaders in exhibiting mature ethical behavior.

I do not mean to sound condescending or judgmental. To quote Tiger, “I’m am not without faults.” My intent is to merely suggest we learn how to pause and think before we act…live the life of a rational, mature and responsible adult, focusing on the truly important aspects of our lives.

-Neal