The 50 Plus Male

In an August 2009 post, Nothing Like The Sun, we began addressing health concerns pertinent to the 50 plus male (in this case, melanoma). It’s time to discuss another health matter just as relevant to us since doctors generally don’t broach the subject until you turn 50 years of age—the importance of undergoing a colonoscopy.

Colonoscopies, based on personal experience, are unduly dreaded; neither the prep work nor the procedure warrant the fingernail-chewing, raw-nerve reaction experienced by so many people when the subject arises. I’m not suggesting the prep and procedure is particularly pleasant; just rest assured your doctor will sedate you so you’re in la-la land while an invasion into the deep unknown takes place…it’s a journey where the good doctor so boldly goes forth where no man has gone before, well guy, it would make Capt. Kirk proud.

Let’s educate you on the basics: a colonoscopy is a procedure that allows doctors, typically either a gastroenterologist or a proctologist, to look inside the colon and rectum (note: the colon and rectum are the two main parts of the large intestine). The purpose is to detect early signs of colorectal cancer and diagnose any bleeding, changes in bowel habits, or pain emanating from your anus or abdomen.

You’ll get instructions from the nurse during the initial exam for performing a bowel prep prior to the procedure; this is to make sure that all solids are emptied from your gastrointestinal tract so the doctor has a clear view during this Invasion of Normandy. The prep will have you following a clear liquid diet for 1-2 days before the colonoscopy—fluids such as plain tea, bullion and certain sports drinks are allowed. The afternoon/evening before the procedure is when you’ll take a prescribed laxative (ex. MiraLAX) mixed with a 64 ounce bottle of clear fluid (such as certain types of Gatorade). You’ll generally be asked to drink 8 ounces approximately every half hour until the bottle is finished. Here’s a small hint—this is the portion of the prep that will drain you of any waste in your body, so it’s best to be home at this time. By the third intake of fluid, the gurgling in your stomach is about to erupt in a fashion that would make Old Faithful’s geyser pale in comparison! Wind sprints to the bathroom can become the norm. If people at work see you during this time, they’ll think you’re doing interval training for the 100m dash…

OK, the big day has arrived—here’s the good news—the worst is actually over. Once on the table (colonoscopies are many times an in-office procedure), you’ll lay on your left side and either be given a light sedative or you’ll be completely knocked-out (definitely my choice). The doctor will then insert a flexible lighted tube called a scope into your anus and slowly guide it into the colon and rectum. There’s a small camera at the end of the scope that transmits video images to a computer screen, enabling the doctor to view the intestinal lining and check for polyps, diverticulitis and other possible complications with your plumbing system. If necessary, a tissue biopsy can be taken and will be sent to the lab.

Recovery takes 30-60 minutes while the sedation wears off; once awake you may have some minor cramping or feel slightly bloated, but this quickly passes. Make sure you have a family member or friend along since you won’t be allowed to drive yourself home.

The general consensus among doctors is to undergo a colonoscopy once every 5-7 years after you’ve hit the big 5-0. Just like learning to ride a bike, it’s much easier the second time around. There’s no sense in fretting over such an important preventative health procedure. Like anything else in life, there’s always a humorous side…I was recently sent an email detailing some actual commentary to physicians from male patients at their colonoscopies that I’ll gladly share with you:

“Can you hear me NOW?”

“Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?”

“You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out…”

“Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?”

“You used to be an executive at Enron, didn’t you?”

“You know, in certain states, we’re now legally married.”

Finally, my personal favorite…”Could you write a note for my wife saying my head is not up there?”

-Neal

My wife, Nita, is often the recipient of a somewhat “left-handed” compliment from me. I throw it out  there whenever she asks a question that almost causes whiplash as I quickly turn my head towards her silently wondering “where did that thought come from?” Over the years I’ve come to accept these outlier queries as a by-product of Nita’s fertile creativity. She provides the right-brain qualities (intuitive, random thinking) of our union  while I  counterbalance with the left-brain (rational, analytical) component.

As a member of the boomer-generation, I like to think experience and wisdom ensure the capacity to adequately answer  anything asked by my wife. Sometimes, however, these surprise questions from Nita have a hidden aspect to them…they’re (unwittingly?) dropped as potential landmines if I don’t watch my step in how I address them.

I’m not alone in tip-toeing around these not-so-innocuous lobs from my wife; I’m willing to bet almost 100% of us 50 plus males continually find ourselves attempting to politely dodge any kind of consternation when these types of questions are asked by our wives. These instances call for aplomb and quick analysis, not paralysis.

There are obvious examples of these bombshell questions from our wives; one of the most common being “Honey, is it OK if my mother comes live with us?” This one is so potentially “deadly” that it warrants a blog post unto itself, so let’s temporarily shun it aside (whew!). We’ll stick with two that are a bit less volatile to deal with.

First up is the inevitable worry expressed by so many wives when modeling a newly purchased outfit for their husbands: “Does this make me look fat?” When I first got married and Nita asked me this, I immediately got that “deer-in-a-headlight” look in my eyes and stuttered “Ugh, ugh no honey.” Needless to say, that reply provided zero support and I received a raised eyebrow look from Nita that was countering with “What exactly are you saying dear?”  I had inadvertently stepped on the landmine and immediately knew that having sex that night was totally out of any realm of possibility.

Nowadays, I calmly, coolly answer “it fits you just right, like it was made for you.” Momma didn’t raise no dummy guys, I’ve learned my lesson! This is not to say I don’t try to be honest with Nita; if I don’t find an outfit particularly appealing, it’s now broached with an “I like it but don’t love it” comment. Look-up the word “delicacy” guys, you’ll find it under “D” in the dictionary…

The second example of questions from Nita that signal “danger Will Robinson!, danger Will Robinson!” arises when she asks me anything that starts with “Honey, I was thinking, how would you feel if (fill-in the blank)?” I immediately know that any answer to these questions is going to cost serious money. More often than not, these questions are about home remodeling, such as “how would you feel if we knock-out this wall and replace it with custom built-in storage, a flat-screen TV, new lighting, and…(keep adding-up the $$$). In this case, wisdom has taught me to reply with “Hon, I never would have thought of that; it’s a great idea and we’ll definitely have to put it on our list once we can afford to do it.” At this point guys, I trust you still have that dictionary opened to “D.”

I have to give kudos to my wife; she constantly amazes me with her imaginative thinking, even with the inevitable possibility of brandishing an axe to our bank account. As for that “left-handed” compliment I mentioned at the beginning of this post…it’s short, sweet, and simple: “Honey, it never gets boring!”

-Neal