The 50 Plus Male

The New Year holiday period has just ended, typically signaling a time for a fresh outlook on life;   making minor tweaks and/or major adjustments to our daily rituals. In the 2 1/2 years I’ve been composing The 50 Plus Male blog, I’ve always skipped to fresh subject matter with each posting. So, to slightly “shake the tree,” and do something a bit different, this month’s dialogue will tie-in with our most recent article, “Sense and Sensibilities.”

While that article delved into my harsh feelings toward the blatant commercialization of my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, you also got a glimpse into how much I truly treasure the meaning behind the day. A number of years ago, I noticed that my family had fallen into a pattern whereby a given holiday was annually hosted by the same person. I made a pronouncement that we had unwittingly started a “tradition,” with this unintended scheduling, so why not make it permanent? We have done so and my wife and I have always served as Thanksgiving hosts in the ensuing years. Quite frankly, a pair of pliers on steroids couldn’t pry away celebrating this holiday at our home, as my reverence for Thanksgiving far exceeds that of any other holiday.

In my younger days, I didn’t feel this way; one holiday morphed into the next without giving any special thought to its underlying purpose. As I’ve aged, however, my perceptions have naturally changed (for the better), and without “cutting things too thin” with my vernacular, the difference between doing something out of habit, versus the desire to do so due to tradition has illuminated. I think I’ve figured out why this has happened with me: the aging process is continually increasing my respect for personal emotions…

Let me provide two examples for you. In December 2010, I told Ed, my best friend of over 40 years, that my wife and I would not be joining “the gang” for our traditional (there’s that word again) New Year’s Eve dinner at a local French restaurant, an establishment with exceptional fare cooked by a world-renowned chef many of us have befriended. The reason was simple; we just didn’t want to spend the money, given how tight our finances were at the time. The next day, we had an unannounced visit from Ed and it didn’t take “an Einstein” to determine his reasoning. He literally pleaded with us to change our minds; the tradition of our crowd celebrating the New Year together was unbroken for all these many years; and his eyes literally began to fill-up with tears when he underscored how much this meant to him. If ever the delineation between “habit” versus “tradition” needed clarifying, it had just occurred. Needless to say, my wife and I immediately relented and once again joined our friends for our yearly celebration.

The second example just happened two weeks ago on Christmas Day. My wife and I have grown to appreciate the simple things when it comes to gifts from one another. Over the many years of our marriage, habit has evolved into tradition when I buy her stocking-stuffer gifts. They are always either a Christmas tree ornament and/or a holiday ornament for our fireplace hearth. Sound too mundane for you? Look into my wife’s eyes as she opens these gifts; I’m choking-up now with visions of her appreciative expression and gratitude…this seemingly innocuous tradition holds that much meaning for both of us.

Don’t sit there thinking I’m getting soft in my old age; as someone with a somewhat too-steely inner resolve, it’s a comfort knowing traditions are gradually melting away my edges.

-Neal

Today is Cyber Monday and the stock market appears to be temporarily shunning aside the ineptitude of Congress to deal with our deficit woes, along with (for the moment at least) discounting the continuing saga of Europe’s financial crisis. An annual phenomenon is the reason for this unlikely reprieve, and my eyes have an incredulous glaze each time I watch the television news accounts detailing this disturbing trend.

I refer to Black Friday, the official exclamation point on a new addition to our lexicon, “Christmas creep.” The retail industry, in what I grudgingly admit is an incredible marketing ploy, has enticed the public to begin their holiday shopping season even earlier than past years. Opening around 6 AM on Black Friday eventually gave way to 4 AM, and then the stroke of midnight immediately after Thanksgiving Day soon became the new norm. This year, retailers have decided our shopping lust needs to be satiated at an even earlier hour and stores have begun opening by 9 PM Thanksgiving Day.

Now I’ll admit they have succeeded with this tactic, as Thanksgiving weekend has set new shopping records, fueling today’s sweeping stock market upside swing. However, I could care less and feel the need to make a stand, so I ask the following question: who has the right to make Thanksgiving a half-day holiday, as opposed to a full day of spending time with our families and friends, in appreciation of  all the good in our lives? I don’t want retailers continually encroaching on my time on this blessed day.

I’ll quote Dr. Stephen Hoch, a Wharton School marketing professor, speaking to the early start for the Black Friday madness: “This is, I think, kind of pathetic, this sort of ‘Open earlier, earlier, earlier’ deal…Clearly it’s kind of like an arms race.” He’s absolutely right; it’s as if we’re witnessing the evolution of the next Olympic sport—competitive shopping!

The crowd size of expectant shoppers lining-up outside the doors of many of our largest retail chains is unfortunately exceeded in many instances by the level of unruliness. Never has this point be better illustrated than by this past weekend’s pepper-spray incident. Who among us hasn’t watched  recent nightly newscasts of multiple arrests being made in cities across the country while hordes wait to descend on stores opening their doors, followed by mad sprees to secure the “specials” serving as sales leaders to attract these crowds in the first place? Listen, it’s not that I don’t entirely understand…42” flat-screen LED televisions for $200.00 sound enticing, even when you know they won’t have the latest/greatest technology.

But here’s a few clues for all of us:

1. The real reason stores provide these deals is to get you there to spend money on all the other items.

2. The same discounts and even deeper ones are often provided by retailers as the holiday shopping season marches towards Chanukah and Christmas.

3. The window between Thanksgiving and the holidays generally is upwards of four weeks in duration, not just one or two days. So what’s the rush, there’s plenty of time to fulfill your Chanukah/Christmas shopping needs.

Kathy Grannis, spokeswoman for the National Retail Federation, states that “…young adults are the ones who really come out in full force on Thanksgiving Day. they may have three hours free after dinner, and they want to get some shopping done and be home by midnight.” This isn’t to say I’m absolving my 50 plus year-old brethren; some of us are willing participants in this annual mania. I’d like to think we have enough common sense to exercise better judgment, but…

By now, you may have deduced Thanksgiving holds particular importance for me; indeed, it is my favorite holiday. In a year that has not been singularly “bountiful” in financial terms for my family, I still remain appreciative of the many truly important facets of life we enjoy…good health and strong family bonds heading the list. Can I respectfully suggest we all stop. take a deep breath, and enjoy Thanksgiving for the full day; brick-and-mortar shopping and its online counterpart will still be there tomorrow.

-Neal

Well gang, it’s that festive time of year, and as my wife and I observe different religions, we celebrate Chrismakah (or is it Chanumas?)—heck, we find any description more personal than the politically correct “Happy Holidays!”

Pausing to reflect on what was a volatile 2010,  we can still agree there are many facets of life for which we can express our gratitude, even in these difficult times. Stretching this pensive exercise a bit enables us to also mention some things we’d be grateful for should they actually come to fruition in the near future.  So, without further delay, here are some personal thoughts that fall into both camps. All of these deeply appreciative declarations involve 50 Plus Males.

I’d be profoundly grateful if…

…John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, and Harry Reid would cease to continually look dour and solemn. Guys, I know you deal with weighty matters, but it’s OK to smile every now and then.

…Billy Joel would finally satisfy his orchestral muse, so he can get back to his roots and produce the kind of music he does best—straight ahead rock ’n’ roll; if Bruuuce can still do it, so can Billy.

…Harrison Ford would take out that ridiculous-looking earring.

…the age discrimination factor ever-present in our workplace (trust me, it’s real) would cease and desist, so that more unemployed 50 plus males could get a fair shake when applying for jobs. Most of us are technically proficient, and experience does count—stop thinking of this demographic as ready to be put out to pasture!

…every other commercial on television wasn’t for erectile dysfunction. I get it already—I’m in my fifties now and  can only go 3500 miles between oil changes.

…my body could recover from new forms of exercise as quickly as it used to. I recently borrowed the P90X Abs workout DVD from my younger brother and practically collapsed at the mid-point. The routine put such a strain on my thighs that I spent the next two days almost unable to lift my legs—I had to drop my pants on the floor each morning to step into them before pulling them up, literally grab my hamstring areas to lift my legs into the car, and do the same when getting into bed at night. Two days of shameful pain for me/two days of hysterical laughter from my brother—yeah, thanks for all the empathy bro’.

…my mother would stop pestering me about getting my next colonoscopy. I know it’s been six years since my first one, but I’ve been poked and prodded so often over the past few years for various medical procedures (who amongst us hasn’t?) that I’m not yet ready to take down the “NO TRESPASSING” sign hanging by my rear entrance.

I’m extremely grateful for…

…Art Buchwald, specifically his collective wit and wisdom in Down The Seine And Up The Potomac. All of today’s politicians should view this book as required reading so they can receive a healthy dose of humor. Buchwald’s voice is sorely missed.

…still possessing a wide spectrum of musical tastes. I equally enjoy Ozzy Osbourne, Aerosmith, Motown, Rhianna, and Akon while appreciating the genius that is Sinatra. You know what else I like—electronica club music—I’m 58 years old, go figure?!

…Jesse Ventura (nee James George Janos) anytime he gets a real haircut.

…having the sense to continue “the good fight” against an expanding waistline. I have a 34” waist, so when I look down I can clearly see my toes and reach them without bending my knees.

…having a mother who always remains concerned about her two boys. We should all be so lucky.

…all of my wonderful friendships that have spanned 35-40 years. I couldn’t ask for a better source of laughter and support.

…waking up every morning and staring across at the woman I so deeply love. Twenty-two years of marriage to a woman who always inspires me to be a better man than I was yesterday. Thanks honey.

…my readers. The 50 Plus Male couldn’t exist without you; it’s a sincere privilege communicating with such a vibrant group of folks who have so much to offer. Here’s hoping all of you keep up “the good fight.” Have a happy and healthy New Year.

-Neal

(noun–from Latin: a quality of substance or depth of personality)

Ancient Roman society required a lot from its men, including the specific virtues of gravitas, pietas, dignitas, and justitia. All of these traits revolve around exercising duty, devotion, and selflessness. Step into the time machine and fast-forward to the present; you’ll find these virtues hold equal importance within today’s definitive design of becoming a complete man. The trouble, as oft-expressed, is that “good men are just hard to find these days.” 

So, in an effort to spark some lively conversation, The 50 Plus Male is proud to present to you our next Top Ten list: a group of 50 plus males who each have that elusive quality of “gravitas” and rightly earn our admiration and respect…

Politics—Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter

Ah, already you’re thinking how can any politician be included on a list of virtuous men? After the disastrous administrations of Wilson Goode and John Street, Nutter has simply been a breath of fresh air for the City of Brotherly Love. This is not to say the city, under his watch, hasn’t had any problems (as exemplified by the legal woes of the current Philadelphia Housing Authority Director), but Nutter exudes a sense of intelligence and decorum rarely found in the political arena. Bringing opposing constituencies together combined with clearly outlining reasonable goals isn’t something many politicians can fully realize, but the Mayor is pulling this off as best as anyone in many years.

Sports—Alan Page

Remember the NFL’s Purple People Eaters? They were the core of the Minnesota Vikings’ feared defense in the seventies. Page played the game hard, but fair, and became the league’s first defensive player to win the Most Valuable Player Award. Page earned a law degree while playing and in 1993 was named to the Minnesota Supreme Court. He is also a member of the NFL Hall of Fame.

Business—John Chambers

Chambers is chairman and CEO of Cisco Systems, Inc. During his tenure, Cisco has been named to Fortune’s list of “America’s Most Admired Companies” seven times and he has been selected as one of Time magazine’s “100 Most Influential People.” Numerous awards have followed and Cisco has seen a growth spurt under Chamber’s helm from $1.2 billion to approximately $40 billion.

Television (acting)—Tom Selleck

Often referred to as “a man’s man,” Selleck is a shining example of “gravitas.” His talent and sense of presence have propelled him to an lengthy career in an extremely fickle business (Magnum P.I., Jesse Stone made-for-television movies, roles on Friends and Las Vegas, and currently Blue Bloods, one of this season’s breakout hits). He also can  be humorously self-deprecating, such as his funny bits on Letterman describing his avocado farming efforts at home.

Television (non-acting)—Charlie Rose

Rose, an Emmy award-winning journalist, is the host of the self-titled PBS talk-show program that re-defines intelligent conversation. His nightly guests, including politicians, newsmakers, scientists, athletes, business leaders, and entertainers from around the world, sit in the stark environs of the famous round oak table with a black backdrop, providing one of the most intimate hours on TV. Rose, exuding wit, charm and class is, for my money, the best interviewer on television today.

Movies—Daniel Day-Lewis

The versatile British/Irish actor is the subject of continuing critical acclaim for many of his movies (In the Name of the Father, My Left Foot, The Boxer, Gangs of New York, There Will Be Blood are prime examples), having won the Academy Award for Best Actor twice–1989 for My Left Foot and 2007 for There Will Be Blood. I doubt there’s a more cerebral, intense actor working today. His immersion into his roles is legendary among his acting brethren.

Columnist (Print or Online)—Jim Jubak

Regarded by many as the premier web investment columnist, Jubak is the senior markets editor for MSN Money. An expert as clearly explaining the arcane world of investment and personal finance, the New-York-based reporter isn’t afraid to go against conventional wisdom. His “Jubak’s Picks” (for stocks) and “Jubak’s Journal,” along with his MSN Money columns should be required reading for those interested in financial matters and resultant effects on the typical household’s pocketbook.

Music—Steve Tyrell

Tyrell is a Texas-born jazz singer who is widely known for his covers of jazz, Disney, and holiday standards. He came to the attention of the public through his beautiful rendition of The Way You Look Tonight in Father of the Bride, starring Steve Martin, though he has contributed to other films such as Mystic Pizza. He tours America and you’d be wise to catch one of his performances. If you’ve never bought/downloaded any of his CD’s, I’d suggest starting with Songs of Sinatra.

Advertising Icon—The Budweiser Clydesdales

No, I haven’t lost my marbles by including this category winner. Anheuser-Busch introduced these magnificent horses to the American public way back in 1933 as a way to celebrate the repeal of Prohibition. Since then, they have become the signature focal point of advertising and promotion for Budweiser beer. There are actually multiple teams of ten horses (with eight horses riding at any one time) consisting of both mares and stallions.  As this blog is geared for 50 Plus Males, our tip of the hat therefore goes to the stallions for this list.

Newsmakers —Dr. William Petit

I’ve purposely saved this as my last choice. By now, most of you know all about the horrific home invasion of the Petit family in Cheshire, Conn. in July  2007. I won’t rehash the details of the attack; suffice it to say I still shake my head to this day. This past week, one of the assailants was (finally) sentenced to death by the court. Dr. Petit is the sole surviving member of his family and has been stoic in diligently attending the court proceedings on a daily basis for these past three years. I have absolutely marveled at the incredible level of calm, thoughtfulness, clarity and class with which he has conducted himself for televised interviews after various court dates. To hold it together so well before the cameras, in the face of extraordinary grief, and express his profound appreciation for those who are bringing the killers to justice serves as my shining example of “gravitas.”

-Neal

I never like to start with an apologetic tone, but as it’s been too long a time since I wrote to all of you,  please know that I’m regretful for this and thankful my readers have “hung in there” between postings. So, let’s get right to it with some timely news that’s been bothering me of late.

As most 50 plus males know by now, sometimes sports serve as a metaphor for life. My hometown Philadelphia Flyers are currently proving this point. They didn’t qualify for the hockey playoffs until their last game of the regular season and have since shocked everyone by advancing through the first three rounds (two of which were against higher seeded teams), subsequently reaching the Finals against (once again) a must higher seeded team, the Chicago Blackhawks.

How  they have accomplished this feat was expounded upon by Phil Sheridan, a sports columnist for  The Philadelphia Inquirer. Simply put, the Flyers “are a relentless band of warriors.” This has entailed an increasing level of grit and determination while the playoffs have progressed; as their opponents have gotten better and stronger, so have the Flyers. Much credit has to be given to Flyers coach Peter Laviolette and his staff. They are, as Mr. Sheridan writes, hitting on all cylinders and pushing every button as motivators and leaders.

Lesson learned here: you have to be more and more prepared to meet rising challenges.

So why does an obviously intelligent, successful member of our generation seem to have totally dropped the ball? I’m referring to Tony Hayward, Chief Executive Officer of BP Plc, who recently turned fifty-three. Mr. Hayward (and we can’t excuse his support staff) has seemingly made one gaffe after another. His intonation of “wanting to get my life back” may have been the apogee of pathetic  remarks by a CEO, particularly in light of the eleven lives lost on the oil rig, not to mention the toll this oil spill is taking on local residents and wildlife.

The flak that BP has taken in response to the spill is justified, and the behavior of their leader has heightened the level of vitriol. It’s only now, after weeks of failures and poor corporate behavior that BP and Mr. Hayward are beginning to “hit on all cylinders.” Unfortunately, it’s too little/too late.

Mr. Hayward’s utter lack of exuding competence and leadership will only add to the incalculable cost that BP will have to pay over time. He has already confessed that “they did not have all the tools you would want in your toolkit.” In other words, they weren’t prepared to deal with a deepwater oil leak. Now I fully understand that BP’s objective, as with any corporate entity, is to maximize productivity and accompanying profits. But, as Dick Polman, a highly regarded political columnist notes, they should have first done due diligence on all precautions that would have allowed BP to “act as a steward for the public interest in a fragile ecosystem.”

Proper preparation encompasses three ingredients: advance planning, the wherewithal to adapt, and the ability to adjust. Mr. Hayward and his organization have miserably failed on all three counts. Unlike my Philadelphia Flyers, they simply don’t have the look of a champion…

-Neal

The past few years have unveiled a slew of very disturbing news that while confined to one area, will naturally continue unabated as time progresses. My mother, who turned 80 a few months ago, has seen some very dear friends succumb to disease, injury and advanced age. Accompanying the overwhelming sorrow is a profound sense of her own mortality, and I expend great effort, as any loving son would, at bolstering the knowledge that she thankfully enjoys very good health and looks fantastic.  Much of this is due to my mother’s almost religious devotion to her diet and thrice weekly visits to a local gym where she participates in a seniors exercise regimen.

Here’s the rub…even more astonishing is how many of my own family, friends and acquaintances have recently passed away. A cousin, childhood friend, along with high school and college classmates, all in their fifties, have sadly departed at what we 50 plus males regard as a vital phase of our lives. I’ve never been a devotee of the obituaries in my local paper, but the ever expanding lists of the deceased noted in my high school class web site and quarterly college alumni publications produce agonizing projectiles to the gut that eliminate any attempt on my part to have these notices remain inconspicuous.

So here’s a fundamental life question raised by this news…do I continue to follow my heretofore unwritten edict of always “planning for tomorrow” or should I finally learn to “live for today?” I’m fully aware it’s possible to straddle both philosophies, but the question of applying equal weight to each choice versus favoring one over the other must be addressed.

There isn’t any right or wrong answer; it’s strictly a personal matter based on your particular circumstances. I’ve always been a believer that “today will take care of itself,” therefore focus on planning for a better tomorrow. At work, I’ve always had the habit of going a bit overboard in trying to plan for every possible ill-advised scenario that could arise before a new project began, not only to have pre-arranged solutions at-hand, but more importantly to help prevent the actual occurrence of  the problem. In my personal life, I’ve always been a saver rather than a spender…who knows what tomorrow will bring, so best to be prepared. Now, having the perspective of too many untimely deaths within my social sphere, my once solid foundation built by sheer determination to seek a better tomorrow is beginning to show cracks.

One of my closest friends has always been a “live for today” practitioner and I have repeatedly berated him over the years for feeling this way.  Well folks, not only do I no longer question him, I find myself appreciating my friend for effectuating this lifestyle much earlier than I ever dreamt to follow this path. If you’re sensing a gradual sway on my part to joining the “live for today” club, you’re right…instead of selfishly theorizing there will be many more “tomorrows,” I  increasingly focus on fully actualizing each “today.”

Like many of my brethren when I was in my twenties, thirties and forties, I always thought of myself as invincible; this is no longer the case. Our health, much like good fortune, can no longer  be taken for granted. We’ve all heard “you could be hit by a bus tomorrow” and “the world does not owe you a living.” I always used to casually cast aside such broadsides, but now, I’m listening…

-Neal

Being a 50 plus male and having “been around the block” a few times engenders a requisite amount of seasoning. By this age, naiveté has pretty much flown out the window and we feel like life has few surprises left to offer. Even devoid of having personally experienced a given situation, we’re so bombarded with others’ tales through our profusion of media outlets that we at least think we can easily wrap our hands around a remedy should we ever find ourselves as a principal.

Or so I thought…

I was notified in February that I was liable for possible jury service in Federal Court beginning in late March. When the appropriate time arrived, I made my required phone call to see if my assigned number was selected to attend the next day’s jury pool; it was, and so began my brief, but startling journey into “another world.”

I was selected for the second voir dire (French for “to see/to hear”) call of the day, a rather large one where fifty-five of us were chosen. For those of you not familiar with the concept of voir dire, you are escorted to a courtroom and given a very brief overview of the case by the presiding judge. The judge then proceeds to weed out possible jurors from the group through an exhaustive series of questions that can expose bias towards the prosecution or defense, along with a host of other reasons why you should not be selected for the jury. Once the judge is finished, the respective lawyers get their chance for questioning the assembled pool, with the intent of selecting those people they feel are most apt to side with them once the trial begins. After the lawyers exercise their allotment of preemptive strikes, a jury consisting of twelve members and two alternates is finally selected to hear the case.

Guess who was the last person picked, as Alternate #2? 

The case was drug-related (cocaine powder and crack cocaine to be precise). The two male defendants were each charged with three counts involving possession, intent to distribute, and possession of firearms. Each defendant was in his early twenties, but could have easily passed for eighteen—baby-faced complexions, fresh haircuts, shirts and ties—every attempt having obviously been made by their lawyers to dissuade us from thinking they were street-wise and hardened individuals. After being given precise instruction on how to conduct ourselves from the judge, the prosecution (representing the government) began their opening argument.

To say it was compelling is an understatement; we learned there were actually five arrests made but the other three parties had pled guilty and were going to testify for the prosecution against the two defendants, thereby hoping to lessen their own jail time. My fellow jurors and I were drawn into what can only be described as the seedy, sordid underworld of a drug-infested existence. Remember, no opinions were to be formed about guilt or innocence until the trial ended (the judged had told us to expect six days of trial time before deliberations could begin), but I soon realized TV shows and movies ain’t nothing like this folks! After hearing opening statements from the defense, who agreed the prosecution had followed correct procedural manners in forming their case, but were arguing against the defendants’ level of involvement, the first witness was called. He was the lead detective in the case and was put through three rigorous hours of examination and cross-examination by the lawyers. The other detective and fellow officers in the case followed him onto the stand, albeit for much shorter questioning.

The second day was the real show; the first of the other three arrested parties made his appearance, in green jail fatigues with a sheriff escort always remaining by his side, as a witness for the prosecution. I won’t delve into every detail, but I learned more about cocaine, both in its raw form and in its “cooked” form as crack than I ever cared to; as well as how a sweeping cocaine business operated on a daily basis. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the unnerving feeling of having the three firearms gathered as evidence a mere ten feet in front of the jury box—a .45 caliber Taurus Millennium pistol, a .44 magnum, and a 12-gauge shotgun, all of which had been kept constantly “hot” (i.e. ready to be fired) and within arm’s reach in one of the defendant’s apartments. The only “amusing” facet of the proceedings was that this witness, both a customer and accomplice of the defendants, was 45 years old and was thus called “Old-Head” by all of his associates.

When the fourteen members of the jury returned from lunch recess that day, we were told there would be a delay in allowing us back into the courtroom, as there were many details being sorted-out by the lawyers and judge. Two more hours passed and we all began thinking this “delay” was plea-bargaining by the defendants, who, in my opinion, had been buried earlier by the testimony of Old-Head. It was obvious the police and prosecutors had done a credible, thorough job and the defense was facing an uphill battle. Once we finally were able to re-enter the court, the defendants were no longer present—the judge told us they had decided to plead guilty and their pleas was accepted based on the overwhelming evidence presented to that point. We were graciously thanked by the judge, who told us that while we were no longer needed to decide the case, our mere presence helped produce the outcome and we had performed our civic duty at the highest level.

The train ride home was a blur.  First, I could not stop thinking about the two young lives gone to waste and the effect on their families. Second was much more personal. My father passed away over forty years ago; I was only fifteen at the time and was suddenly thrust into the role of “man-of-the house” (my brother was only eleven). I had to grow-up in a hurry, becoming mature and savvy for my age.  Ever since that phase of my life, I’ve always regarded myself as wise and street-smart. This trial, even in it’s shortened state, made me realize, however, that in certain social circles I’m literally a “babe in the woods.” Here I am in my fifties, seemingly immune to anything else life can throw my way, but in the world inhabited by the defendants, I’d be nothing more than “fresh meat.” Scary, scary thought. Best to start walking around with a fresh set of eyes starting right now…

-Neal

I’m in the middle of a lazy, overcast Sunday morning putting the finishing touches on breakfast. It’s the one day of the week I have our paper (The Philadelphia Inquirer) delivered, providing  the opportunity to “lose myself” for a couple of hours reading through its entirety. The Currents section, offering editorials and commentary, and the Local News section contain articles that are unwittingly related to one another and spark the idea behind this post.

One article, written by Bob Martin, a former Inquirer writer and editor, is entitled “We could go  a long way toward being brotherly,” with the subtitle “Our orneriness drags us down.” It details Mr. Martin’s description of an older work acquaintance nicknamed “Slim” who has since passed on; a gentleman known for his blue-collar survival skills and fierce “addytood,” who had  his way of doing the job and damn anyone who sought to introduce changes mentality. A colleague of Mr. Martin’s noted at Slim’s viewing that he looked more at peace than anytime he was alive. It made Mr. Martin wonder “if this hard edge that characterizes so much of our region serves any useful purpose or does it simply drag us down?”

The second article, by Jennifer Lin, an Inquirer staff writer, is entitled “Flap over Specter’s ‘act like a lady’ comment spreads.”  Senator Arlen Specter (D., Pa.) recently participated in a radio talk show with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) and the discussion had turned to the health-care bill. Specter noted that Rep. Bachmann had said she voted for prosperity, and countered that prosperity wasn’t a bill. Bachmann, briefly talking over him, stated “Well, why don’t we make it a bill?” Specter immediately responded in a cantankerous manner, retorting “don’t interrupt me. I didn’t interrupt you. Act like a lady.”  A couple of additional barbs flew by, but you get the idea. Rep. Bachmann was taken aback by the the Senator’s arrogance and felt like he was essentially telling her to “just sit back and keep quiet.” National media outlets have since picked-up the story, calling Specter’s remarks “patronizing, demeaning and disrespectful.”

All of this begs the question of why civility isn’t exercised more often than hot-tempered, intractactable behavior in our normal discourse with one another?  I used to encounter this stark difference in my former job. I always enjoyed the easy-going, extremely polite cadence when speaking with clients located in the Southern U.S. versus what I encountered with some clients in the Northeastern part of the country. Mr. Martin’s article referenced similar instances of this type of pleasant demeanor experienced during a recent trip in Florida.

I’m not being naive…none of us have the capacity to always be “Mr. Happy.”  I’m merely suggesting, particularly as we 50 plus males age, it’s not a given that we naturally fall into becoming irascible old men with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Senator Specter could have courteously asked Rep. Bachmann to please allow him to finish before rebutting his comments. Thoughtfulness generally trumps sarcasm. This applies to many types of instances we confront in a typical day. I’m still in a learning stage, having recently been chastised by a couple of friends for my penchant of quickly saying “hello” when they phone and almost immediately turning the call over to my wife.

Guys, Mr. Martin is right…most times, exhibiting a hard edge can and should be replaced with genial behavior and respectfulness.

-Neal

What’s the first memory you have of last year’s Baseball All-Star game? Can you remember who won or the final score (hint: American League, 4-3)? Many people, myself included, primarily remember that broadcast for the criticism leveled at President Obama, who threw out the first pitch, for his “unfashionable” choice of jeans. So-called arbiters of fashion called them “dad jeans,” while others designated them as “mom jeans.”

President Obama, to his credit, merely shrugged his shoulders and stated that comfort rules fashion in his jean selection. I’m about to buy two new pairs of everyday jeans to replace the two pairs that have served me so well the past couple of years…that’s everyday jeans as in my “non-work uniform/working around the house” jeans, not dress jeans which I typically save for casual evening-out wear on the weekends. This upcoming trip to the store is what has me thinking about the President’s recent dilemma.

For years, my everyday jeans have been Levi’s 550’s–basic sit-at-the-waist/relaxed-fit in the seat and thigh/tapers below the knee jeans. I buy them because:

a. they’re comfortable

b. they’re comfortable

c. they’re comfortable and I’ve always thought they fit me OK

d. they’re comfortable and reasonably-priced and I can readily purchase them on sale at various department stores

e. I’m not a hip-hop kind of guy; I don’t wear my jeans around my knees

Upon hearing that I was ready to replace my old everyday jeans (I donate the used jeans to Purple Heart), my wife immediately lectured (chided?) me because “I have no ass,” and she’s never liked the 550’s. Mind you, this is not just a newsflash for me; I’m gleaning this information for the first time in almost twenty-two years of marriage!

If you’ve shopped for jeans lately, you’ve found a dizzying array of choices: straight-fit, relaxed-fit, loose-fit in ten different finishes…each with an accompanying model number. Quite frankly, given we just want to purchase knocking-around jeans, it’s waaay (sic) too much for us 50 plus males to absorb. I’m with the President; if they’re comfortable and look OK, along with knowing they’re going to get “beat-up’ over time doing man-stuff around the home…boom!…that’s what I’m buying. Sorry honey, the flat-ass look is still in.

_Neal

As we approach the New Year, many people are ruminating about recent misgivings and sins, simultaneously readying themselves for commitment to yet another list of personal resolutions. We all know how this generally works out…a couple of promises are pursued with purposeful intent while most of our list inadvertently falls by the wayside.

While each of us wrangle with our own efforts at righting the past year’s wrongs, I’d like to  leave The 50 Plus Male readers with a New Year’s present of some principles and instructions from The Official Rules by Paul Dickson, a collection published over thirty years ago. I’m dividing these gems for dealing with life’s struggles into three parts:  Everyday Living, Career, and Humorous Tidbits.

Everyday Living 

What man really fears is not so much extinction, but extinction with insignificance.~Ernest Becker

When inequality is the general rule in society, the greatest inequalities attract no attention.~ De Tocqueville

One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.~Durant’s Discovery

The proof that you know something is that you are able to teach it.~Aristotle

If you want to kill any idea in the world today, get a committee working on it.~Chas. Kettering

A fool in high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody~Matsch’s Maxim

Unless you put your money to work for you—you work for your money~Miller’s Law

Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you’re not.~Professional’s Law

You can observe a lot just by watching.~Yogi Berra

Career

Pay attention to the details—your customers do.~S. Chowdhury

What men learn from history is that men do not learn from history.~Economists’ Law

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.~Sinclair Lewis

The longer the title, the less important the job.~McGovern’s Law

Our customer’s paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.~Brown’s Law of Business Success

In any organization, the potential is much greater for the subordinate to manage his superior than for the superior to manage his subordinate.~Rodovic’s Rule

All technology expands the space, contracts the time, and destroys the working group.~Rosenstock-Huessy’s Law of Technology

The minute you sign a client is the minute you start to lose him.~Public Relations Client Turnover Law

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.~Woman’s Equation

Humorous Tidbits

Never eat a a place called Mom’s, play cards with a man named Doc, or lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.~Algren

Anybody can win—unless there happens to be a second entry.~Ade’s Law

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.~Crane’s Rule

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.~Fischer’s Finding

The good parking places are always on the other side of the street.~Gumperson’s Law

Nice guys finish fast.~First Rule of Public Speaking

It works better if you plug it in.~Sattingler’s Law

You’re not drunk enough if you can lie on the floor without holding on.~Dean Martin

In closing out The 50 Plus Male for the calendar year, I want to wish all of you a safe, healthy, prosperous New Year. Thank you for your loyalty and support, my appreciation is limitless. We all hope for a calmer 2010 than the wild gyrations of 2009, but “while hope may be eternal, it’s not a strategy”… and remember you always need three umbrellas: one to leave at the office, one to leave at home, and one to leave on the train.

-Neal