The 50 Plus Male

Today is Cyber Monday and the stock market appears to be temporarily shunning aside the ineptitude of Congress to deal with our deficit woes, along with (for the moment at least) discounting the continuing saga of Europe’s financial crisis. An annual phenomenon is the reason for this unlikely reprieve, and my eyes have an incredulous glaze each time I watch the television news accounts detailing this disturbing trend.

I refer to Black Friday, the official exclamation point on a new addition to our lexicon, “Christmas creep.” The retail industry, in what I grudgingly admit is an incredible marketing ploy, has enticed the public to begin their holiday shopping season even earlier than past years. Opening around 6 AM on Black Friday eventually gave way to 4 AM, and then the stroke of midnight immediately after Thanksgiving Day soon became the new norm. This year, retailers have decided our shopping lust needs to be satiated at an even earlier hour and stores have begun opening by 9 PM Thanksgiving Day.

Now I’ll admit they have succeeded with this tactic, as Thanksgiving weekend has set new shopping records, fueling today’s sweeping stock market upside swing. However, I could care less and feel the need to make a stand, so I ask the following question: who has the right to make Thanksgiving a half-day holiday, as opposed to a full day of spending time with our families and friends, in appreciation of  all the good in our lives? I don’t want retailers continually encroaching on my time on this blessed day.

I’ll quote Dr. Stephen Hoch, a Wharton School marketing professor, speaking to the early start for the Black Friday madness: “This is, I think, kind of pathetic, this sort of ‘Open earlier, earlier, earlier’ deal…Clearly it’s kind of like an arms race.” He’s absolutely right; it’s as if we’re witnessing the evolution of the next Olympic sport—competitive shopping!

The crowd size of expectant shoppers lining-up outside the doors of many of our largest retail chains is unfortunately exceeded in many instances by the level of unruliness. Never has this point be better illustrated than by this past weekend’s pepper-spray incident. Who among us hasn’t watched  recent nightly newscasts of multiple arrests being made in cities across the country while hordes wait to descend on stores opening their doors, followed by mad sprees to secure the “specials” serving as sales leaders to attract these crowds in the first place? Listen, it’s not that I don’t entirely understand…42” flat-screen LED televisions for $200.00 sound enticing, even when you know they won’t have the latest/greatest technology.

But here’s a few clues for all of us:

1. The real reason stores provide these deals is to get you there to spend money on all the other items.

2. The same discounts and even deeper ones are often provided by retailers as the holiday shopping season marches towards Chanukah and Christmas.

3. The window between Thanksgiving and the holidays generally is upwards of four weeks in duration, not just one or two days. So what’s the rush, there’s plenty of time to fulfill your Chanukah/Christmas shopping needs.

Kathy Grannis, spokeswoman for the National Retail Federation, states that “…young adults are the ones who really come out in full force on Thanksgiving Day. they may have three hours free after dinner, and they want to get some shopping done and be home by midnight.” This isn’t to say I’m absolving my 50 plus year-old brethren; some of us are willing participants in this annual mania. I’d like to think we have enough common sense to exercise better judgment, but…

By now, you may have deduced Thanksgiving holds particular importance for me; indeed, it is my favorite holiday. In a year that has not been singularly “bountiful” in financial terms for my family, I still remain appreciative of the many truly important facets of life we enjoy…good health and strong family bonds heading the list. Can I respectfully suggest we all stop. take a deep breath, and enjoy Thanksgiving for the full day; brick-and-mortar shopping and its online counterpart will still be there tomorrow.

-Neal

Talk about a dour week for our country! We’ve slipped to fifth place in the annual ranking of the world’s most competitive economies, our President’s job approval ratings have hit an all-time low, Congress continues to bicker with one another, and most poignantly, we’re four days away from the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy.

This is the perfect time for someone to step up to the plate and yell “snap out of it,” and, thankfully, it just happened to me. A moment ago, I finished reading an article and viewing the accompanying video for the Today Show’s “American Story” segment airing each day this week in remembrance of 9/11. Today’s installment, on the Alonso family of Stony Point, NY, dealt with the untimely death of a mother of two children (one with Down syndrome) and how a father’s love and devotion has kept the family whole. I was particularly moved by a lesson the father has taught his two children in light of the fate befallen them by their 9/11 experience: treat every moment like an unopened gift.

This powerful point is applicable in myriad ways and sometimes, admittedly, I have to force myself to heed the advice. Lately, I’ve felt apprehensive about the lack of control “the average guy” (including yours truly) has in dealing with our current economic milieu. We now live in a world where a banker in the U.S. sneezes and a banker in Switzerland is the one saying “gesundheit.” Any given country’s economy can now have a rippling effect on the rest of the world and the markets get roiled. Many American corporations are awash in cash reserves, yet won’t boost their hiring efforts. The stock market’s daily activity is severely impacted by super-computer trading that kicks in at a moment’s notice (this was addressed in an earlier post entitled “Risky Business”). Even attempting to follow the many avenues of advice we hear about building a defensive position in your portfolios seems akin to selling ice to an eskimo. Guess what, I’ve learned I can only control so much and not to unduly fret over what I can’t control.

Here’s another example in my life where this sage advice hits home–I’ve learned to navigate what was once regarded as a hurdle and now treat as an opportunity. In the midst of an impending career change, I’m faced with a fairly steep learning curve. Like many of my 50 plus male counterparts, I always felt I’d be an expert in my chosen field at this stage of my life, and that my days of learning were basically over…I would now be the teacher. Life doesn’t always go according to plan, however, and I once again have become the student. Instead of resenting these circumstances, I’m excited about studying new subjects like social media marketing (through books, white papers, webinars), and cannot wait to get rolling in my new career! Expanding my business knowledge, while utilizing all that I’ve learned to this point as a solid foundation, truly has been like receiving an unopened gift.

Finally, the third and most salient reason to accede to Mr. Alonso’s advice: life itself. Two weeks ago, I lost a dear friend from my junior high/high school days, resulting from a tragic auto accident. He was an absolute sweetheart of a guy—warm, caring, with a perpetual smile painted on his face. Everyone he knew thought highly of him and his untimely death is still registering shock waves amongst family and friends. The lesson here is obvious folks—it can all disappear in an instant. Savor every moment of every day; each morning we wake up is indeed another gift…

-Neal

Hi folks! You’ll find quite a difference in the overall tone of this post compared to what you’re used to reading in The 50 Plus Male. I’ll go as far as stating I’m aware this journey goes against conventional wisdom in many ways: subject matter, my thoughts and actions, and perhaps most importantly, I ask a lot of questions instead of providing streams of thought that help you answer a particular problem…so with great humility, I kindly ask you at the outset to accept my mea culpa.

Like many of you, it’s been quite a few years since my father passed away. It happened suddenly on a Saturday night while my parents were out with another couple. My father had a heart attack while in the car (thankfully he was not the driver), and died at the too young age of 40. I was 15 at this time; my poor brother was only the tender age of 11. My mother, bravely ministering to the events of the evening that forever changed our lives, had (unbeknownst to me) immediately called my older cousin and her husband to come to our house and let me know an “accident” had occurred. It was just past the midnight hour, and I was engrossed in watching Double Chiller Theater (a local Saturday night TV staple) while my younger brother slept. Given the lateness of the hour, along with the fact that my cousin and her spouse rarely visited us, I immediately semi-froze  upon opening the door and seeing the two of them standing there solemn-faced.

It’s funny how the mind reacts to unforeseen situations; in this case, without a beat, I asked “mom or dad?” I instinctively knew one of them had died and cut right to the heart, literally and figuratively. The remainder of the evening was a blur, and there’s no need for additional detail. So many of us have experienced the passing of one or both of our parents; it’s best to let personal thoughts remain private…

Cut to the present; June 13th was my dad’s birthday and he would have been 84 this year. June 19th was Father’s Day, so it’s a reasonable assumption that week is annually the most painful part of the calendar for us. Sometime during the week, my mother, brother and I visit my dad’s grave…oddly enough, this is generally done on an individual basis and this year was no different.

When making this pilgrimage, I bring some landscaping tools so I can tend to my father’s gravesite by ridding it of weeds, tilling the small, mostly bare patch of soil fronting the gravestone, applying a bit of mulch, and trimming the one shrub planted there. We pay to have the site cared for by the cemetery staff, but as many of you have doubtless encountered, this service is woefully lacking.

Here’s a pronouncement of something I don’t do…cry. I cannot explain this phenomenon, but find it deeply disturbing. Is it because so many years have gone by since this tragedy took place? Is it due to rapidly approaching my 59th birthday and grown men just don’t cry as easily as they did during their formative years? Maybe my dad is silently communicating he doesn’t want any tears shed; just remember the happy times? After all, how many instances have you heard “it’s the amount of life in the years that matter, not the amount of years in the life?”

Bewilderment and no small amount of shame are the by-products of this distinct lack of tears. Like constant, unwanted companions, they attach themselves to my soul and remain there for weeks after my gravesite vigil. How about you, my 50 plus male brethren…are similar circumstances presenting themselves during your trips to the cemetery? Do you know why? I welcome your comments (just click on the “Leave a Comment” link below the title).

(I’ll end this discourse on a somewhat amusing note:  the title “No More Tears,” while certainly apropos, oddly comes from my favorite Ozzy Osbourne song, which describes “the dark one” leaving his current female paramour. I told you I’m perplexed by my feelings; thinking of Ozzy at a time like this merely underscores my jumbled gravesite demeanor).

-Neal

My brother Kenn (a fellow member of the 50 plus male fraternity) belongs to a men’s club affiliated with his synagogue. The club annually breaks for the summer season by holding an end-of-year outing. Their recent celebration, held two weeks ago, was a sports lover’s nirvana—brunch with Darren “Dutch” Daulton (he has no remembrance of how he acquired this moniker) in a clubhouse suite at Citizens Bank ballpark, home to the Philadelphia Phillies. Kudos to Kenn for extending me an invitation to join him. The day was a rousing success for a variety of reasons.

For those of you not familiar with Daulton, he was the Phillies catcher from 1983-1997 before being traded to the Florida Marlins. To this day, he is known as the greatest clubhouse leader in the team’s history. Dutch served as the focal point for much of the success shared by the Phillies during his playing years, and was the unspoken steward of the “wild bunch” comprised of Daulton, John Kruk, and Lenny (“Dude”/”Nails”) Dykstra. Daulton was a three-time All-Star before injuries brought a halt to his career.

It’s what happened after Dutch’s playing days ended that sets him apart from his former teammates. I’ll be polite by only briefly mentioning a DUI/suspended license episode along with an arrest on domestic violence charges. You’re thinking so what; many former and present athletes have faced similar trials and tribulations. Ah, but how many became well-known for their beliefs in the occult, various conspiracies, and a stout devotion to numerology? He even authored a book on these subjects, titled “If They Only Knew.” Dutch became a character who was widely believed to be “way out there” and many thought he was undergoing mental problems as well as physical (e.g. his weight ballooned).

His appearance at the brunch unveiled the new and improved version of Darren Daulton. He sports a perpetual tan (from living in Clearwater, FL for half of the year) accompanied by a Hollywood smile, and his weight has returned to a respectable level. Daulton could not have been more courteous or hospitable during the “party.” He gave a brief pre-brunch speech, and after the fine food was enjoyed by all, signed autographs and posed for pictures with aplomb.

This was followed by the most enjoyable part of the gathering, an extended question-and-answer session exhibiting Daulton’s extensive knowledge of the game along with fond memories of his years as a player. Daulton has become a true ambassador for baseball through his numerous personal appearances, and hosting a radio show on a local sports station entitled “Talking Baseball with Dutch.” Give him credit, he takes none of this good fortune for granted; numerous times he expressed “it took me 49 years to get these gigs and I’m not going to blow it.”

Now for the real reason I will always remember this day. It wasn’t meeting Daulton, the palatable food, or the game itself. It was the sheer joy of sharing a relaxed, lazy day in the fan-friendly confines of the ballpark with my brother. All personal and work-related concerns evaporated and we reminisced about past Phillies teams, appearances in the World Series, and the favorite players of our youth. Kenn and I share a love of the old Mays/McCovey/Cepeda/Marichal San Francisco Giants teams. Our discussion evoked memories of one of my all-time favorite gifts from my parents—a plastic replica of Willie Mays in his famed “basket-catch” pose.

The day was cloudy and the Phillies lost a forgettable game; none of that mattered. The old saying that “the simple things in life bring the most pleasure” was underscored by our blissful enjoyment. It was a true moment of bonding between brothers. Who knows, maybe the sun was shining after all…

-Neal

Well gang, it’s that festive time of year, and as my wife and I observe different religions, we celebrate Chrismakah (or is it Chanumas?)—heck, we find any description more personal than the politically correct “Happy Holidays!”

Pausing to reflect on what was a volatile 2010,  we can still agree there are many facets of life for which we can express our gratitude, even in these difficult times. Stretching this pensive exercise a bit enables us to also mention some things we’d be grateful for should they actually come to fruition in the near future.  So, without further delay, here are some personal thoughts that fall into both camps. All of these deeply appreciative declarations involve 50 Plus Males.

I’d be profoundly grateful if…

…John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, and Harry Reid would cease to continually look dour and solemn. Guys, I know you deal with weighty matters, but it’s OK to smile every now and then.

…Billy Joel would finally satisfy his orchestral muse, so he can get back to his roots and produce the kind of music he does best—straight ahead rock ’n’ roll; if Bruuuce can still do it, so can Billy.

…Harrison Ford would take out that ridiculous-looking earring.

…the age discrimination factor ever-present in our workplace (trust me, it’s real) would cease and desist, so that more unemployed 50 plus males could get a fair shake when applying for jobs. Most of us are technically proficient, and experience does count—stop thinking of this demographic as ready to be put out to pasture!

…every other commercial on television wasn’t for erectile dysfunction. I get it already—I’m in my fifties now and  can only go 3500 miles between oil changes.

…my body could recover from new forms of exercise as quickly as it used to. I recently borrowed the P90X Abs workout DVD from my younger brother and practically collapsed at the mid-point. The routine put such a strain on my thighs that I spent the next two days almost unable to lift my legs—I had to drop my pants on the floor each morning to step into them before pulling them up, literally grab my hamstring areas to lift my legs into the car, and do the same when getting into bed at night. Two days of shameful pain for me/two days of hysterical laughter from my brother—yeah, thanks for all the empathy bro’.

…my mother would stop pestering me about getting my next colonoscopy. I know it’s been six years since my first one, but I’ve been poked and prodded so often over the past few years for various medical procedures (who amongst us hasn’t?) that I’m not yet ready to take down the “NO TRESPASSING” sign hanging by my rear entrance.

I’m extremely grateful for…

…Art Buchwald, specifically his collective wit and wisdom in Down The Seine And Up The Potomac. All of today’s politicians should view this book as required reading so they can receive a healthy dose of humor. Buchwald’s voice is sorely missed.

…still possessing a wide spectrum of musical tastes. I equally enjoy Ozzy Osbourne, Aerosmith, Motown, Rhianna, and Akon while appreciating the genius that is Sinatra. You know what else I like—electronica club music—I’m 58 years old, go figure?!

…Jesse Ventura (nee James George Janos) anytime he gets a real haircut.

…having the sense to continue “the good fight” against an expanding waistline. I have a 34” waist, so when I look down I can clearly see my toes and reach them without bending my knees.

…having a mother who always remains concerned about her two boys. We should all be so lucky.

…all of my wonderful friendships that have spanned 35-40 years. I couldn’t ask for a better source of laughter and support.

…waking up every morning and staring across at the woman I so deeply love. Twenty-two years of marriage to a woman who always inspires me to be a better man than I was yesterday. Thanks honey.

…my readers. The 50 Plus Male couldn’t exist without you; it’s a sincere privilege communicating with such a vibrant group of folks who have so much to offer. Here’s hoping all of you keep up “the good fight.” Have a happy and healthy New Year.

-Neal

(noun–from Latin: a quality of substance or depth of personality)

Ancient Roman society required a lot from its men, including the specific virtues of gravitas, pietas, dignitas, and justitia. All of these traits revolve around exercising duty, devotion, and selflessness. Step into the time machine and fast-forward to the present; you’ll find these virtues hold equal importance within today’s definitive design of becoming a complete man. The trouble, as oft-expressed, is that “good men are just hard to find these days.” 

So, in an effort to spark some lively conversation, The 50 Plus Male is proud to present to you our next Top Ten list: a group of 50 plus males who each have that elusive quality of “gravitas” and rightly earn our admiration and respect…

Politics—Philadelphia Mayor Michael Nutter

Ah, already you’re thinking how can any politician be included on a list of virtuous men? After the disastrous administrations of Wilson Goode and John Street, Nutter has simply been a breath of fresh air for the City of Brotherly Love. This is not to say the city, under his watch, hasn’t had any problems (as exemplified by the legal woes of the current Philadelphia Housing Authority Director), but Nutter exudes a sense of intelligence and decorum rarely found in the political arena. Bringing opposing constituencies together combined with clearly outlining reasonable goals isn’t something many politicians can fully realize, but the Mayor is pulling this off as best as anyone in many years.

Sports—Alan Page

Remember the NFL’s Purple People Eaters? They were the core of the Minnesota Vikings’ feared defense in the seventies. Page played the game hard, but fair, and became the league’s first defensive player to win the Most Valuable Player Award. Page earned a law degree while playing and in 1993 was named to the Minnesota Supreme Court. He is also a member of the NFL Hall of Fame.

Business—John Chambers

Chambers is chairman and CEO of Cisco Systems, Inc. During his tenure, Cisco has been named to Fortune’s list of “America’s Most Admired Companies” seven times and he has been selected as one of Time magazine’s “100 Most Influential People.” Numerous awards have followed and Cisco has seen a growth spurt under Chamber’s helm from $1.2 billion to approximately $40 billion.

Television (acting)—Tom Selleck

Often referred to as “a man’s man,” Selleck is a shining example of “gravitas.” His talent and sense of presence have propelled him to an lengthy career in an extremely fickle business (Magnum P.I., Jesse Stone made-for-television movies, roles on Friends and Las Vegas, and currently Blue Bloods, one of this season’s breakout hits). He also can  be humorously self-deprecating, such as his funny bits on Letterman describing his avocado farming efforts at home.

Television (non-acting)—Charlie Rose

Rose, an Emmy award-winning journalist, is the host of the self-titled PBS talk-show program that re-defines intelligent conversation. His nightly guests, including politicians, newsmakers, scientists, athletes, business leaders, and entertainers from around the world, sit in the stark environs of the famous round oak table with a black backdrop, providing one of the most intimate hours on TV. Rose, exuding wit, charm and class is, for my money, the best interviewer on television today.

Movies—Daniel Day-Lewis

The versatile British/Irish actor is the subject of continuing critical acclaim for many of his movies (In the Name of the Father, My Left Foot, The Boxer, Gangs of New York, There Will Be Blood are prime examples), having won the Academy Award for Best Actor twice–1989 for My Left Foot and 2007 for There Will Be Blood. I doubt there’s a more cerebral, intense actor working today. His immersion into his roles is legendary among his acting brethren.

Columnist (Print or Online)—Jim Jubak

Regarded by many as the premier web investment columnist, Jubak is the senior markets editor for MSN Money. An expert as clearly explaining the arcane world of investment and personal finance, the New-York-based reporter isn’t afraid to go against conventional wisdom. His “Jubak’s Picks” (for stocks) and “Jubak’s Journal,” along with his MSN Money columns should be required reading for those interested in financial matters and resultant effects on the typical household’s pocketbook.

Music—Steve Tyrell

Tyrell is a Texas-born jazz singer who is widely known for his covers of jazz, Disney, and holiday standards. He came to the attention of the public through his beautiful rendition of The Way You Look Tonight in Father of the Bride, starring Steve Martin, though he has contributed to other films such as Mystic Pizza. He tours America and you’d be wise to catch one of his performances. If you’ve never bought/downloaded any of his CD’s, I’d suggest starting with Songs of Sinatra.

Advertising Icon—The Budweiser Clydesdales

No, I haven’t lost my marbles by including this category winner. Anheuser-Busch introduced these magnificent horses to the American public way back in 1933 as a way to celebrate the repeal of Prohibition. Since then, they have become the signature focal point of advertising and promotion for Budweiser beer. There are actually multiple teams of ten horses (with eight horses riding at any one time) consisting of both mares and stallions.  As this blog is geared for 50 Plus Males, our tip of the hat therefore goes to the stallions for this list.

Newsmakers —Dr. William Petit

I’ve purposely saved this as my last choice. By now, most of you know all about the horrific home invasion of the Petit family in Cheshire, Conn. in July  2007. I won’t rehash the details of the attack; suffice it to say I still shake my head to this day. This past week, one of the assailants was (finally) sentenced to death by the court. Dr. Petit is the sole surviving member of his family and has been stoic in diligently attending the court proceedings on a daily basis for these past three years. I have absolutely marveled at the incredible level of calm, thoughtfulness, clarity and class with which he has conducted himself for televised interviews after various court dates. To hold it together so well before the cameras, in the face of extraordinary grief, and express his profound appreciation for those who are bringing the killers to justice serves as my shining example of “gravitas.”

-Neal

• Fix him breakfast—check
• Make sure he wears clean clothes—check
• Tidy up his bedroom—check
• Clean his bathroom—check
• Vacuum his favorite seating area—check
• Clean-up the kitchen floor after he’s finished breakfast—check

Typical morning to-do list when your child wakes-up, right? Wrong, because in this case, I’m talking about my seventy-eight year-old father-in-law. He’s staying with us for two weeks while my sister-in-law, back in Dover, DE where she lives with him, attempts to “de-clutter” a portion of their house. I’ll provide you some background to clearly illustrate the plight of their overall situation…

My father-in-law is an intelligent man; a former chemical engineer/inspector who ably served his country in the Air Force for a twenty-six year period spanning the Korean and Vietnam conflicts. He’s originally from Aruba and has travelled the world more than I can ever hope to in my lifetime. Divorced some time ago from my mother-in-law, he has never remarried. Most importantly, he’s a sweet man with a good heart. Sounds great so far, but there’s one glaring hitch to this picture—my father-in-law is a world-class hoarder.

My wife and I occasionally watch “Hoarders” on the A&E network. I do not exaggerate when stating  my father-in-law easily out-distances ninety percent of the people featured on the show. His house has already been condemned once by the local fire department (the violation was lifted once some minimal cleaning was done), and he and my sister-in-law are the bane of the surrounding neighborhood.  He also owns nine cars clunkers that are stuffed to the roof with some of his belongings. (I’m earnestly trying to be polite here by not using the word “junk”). Entry into their home comes with a caveat—prepare to walk diagonally through the living room on the narrowest of clear paths that are not littered with clothes, utensils, tools, books, food, trash, etc. Suffice it to say, the home’s spider webs are probably older than me. Want to see the living room couch or dining room table—lot’s of luck, as they’re both hidden under piles of debris. When my wife and I endured three straight weekends of travelling down to Dover a couple of summers ago to help clean, we wore surgical masks in the ninety degree heat for fear of breathing in any intoxicants from the mouse-eaten carpet and accompanying droppings.

OK, typical hoarding scenario, so why the world-class designation? Simple, the hoarding doesn’t end with their home or cars clunkers. My father-in-law also owns approximately three acres of land some twenty minutes from the house that has a corrugated warehouse measuring 75’x50’x20’, and it’s full!! I mean full in the truest sense—a twenty foot high pile that almost prevents one from walking into and around the premises. Still not impressed? OK, let’s add the four surrounding garages that are all bursting at the seams.

We recently were in Dover on another cleaning foray, and unfortunately experienced a true day in hell. All of these years we thought my sister-in-law was encased in her father’s world of hoarding without having the fortitude to rectify the situation (again, I’m trying to be polite by not discussing her own serious problems); instead we made a startling discovery—she too has a serious hoarding problem. During our clean-up, she became extremely agitated that we were throwing away her “cream-of-the crop” belongings. We tried explaining there was no “cream-of-the crop,” only crap! This remark set her off to such a degree that when my wife tried to intervene and calm her sister down, a physical altercation ensued between the two of them—the first time I’d seen that in the twenty-five years my wife has been a part of my life.

My wife and I cannot adequately express the depths of our despair over their living conditions. Despite our best efforts and suggestions, the nightmare in Dover presses on. We encourage both my father-in-law and sister-in-law to stay with us for a few days each month; thankfully they have complied. My wife and I know  their trips to visit us present more than a brief respite from their deplorable daily existence; they are literally like vacations for the two of them. For us, it’s a chance to offer them clean, sanitary living along with (hopefully) a calming environment to ease the mental stress they each face.

Caring for one’s parents/relatives is a common part of the lives of many of us who are fifty-plus. I discussed this phenomenon in an earlier post, ”Caught in the Middle,” in October 2009 when discussing The Sandwich Generation. In our case, it’s done out of love, not just by need. I try to take much of the burden away from my wife, but it’s her father and sister, so the resultant emotional toll is quite high. We’ve never faced as dire a situation that called for us to be partners-in-crime and always be there for one another’s support.

I know many of you face similar circumstances and I’d like to hear from you so the discussion can continue…

-Neal

P.S. Exact detail of what we found and threw away during our cleaning trips to Dover has purposely been spared from this post. This was done out of courtesy for my father-in-law and sister-in-law, and quite frankly would not make for pleasant reading. Those of you who are experiencing these circumstances are well aware of what I’m talking about here.

I’m in the middle of a lazy, overcast Sunday morning putting the finishing touches on breakfast. It’s the one day of the week I have our paper (The Philadelphia Inquirer) delivered, providing  the opportunity to “lose myself” for a couple of hours reading through its entirety. The Currents section, offering editorials and commentary, and the Local News section contain articles that are unwittingly related to one another and spark the idea behind this post.

One article, written by Bob Martin, a former Inquirer writer and editor, is entitled “We could go  a long way toward being brotherly,” with the subtitle “Our orneriness drags us down.” It details Mr. Martin’s description of an older work acquaintance nicknamed “Slim” who has since passed on; a gentleman known for his blue-collar survival skills and fierce “addytood,” who had  his way of doing the job and damn anyone who sought to introduce changes mentality. A colleague of Mr. Martin’s noted at Slim’s viewing that he looked more at peace than anytime he was alive. It made Mr. Martin wonder “if this hard edge that characterizes so much of our region serves any useful purpose or does it simply drag us down?”

The second article, by Jennifer Lin, an Inquirer staff writer, is entitled “Flap over Specter’s ‘act like a lady’ comment spreads.”  Senator Arlen Specter (D., Pa.) recently participated in a radio talk show with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) and the discussion had turned to the health-care bill. Specter noted that Rep. Bachmann had said she voted for prosperity, and countered that prosperity wasn’t a bill. Bachmann, briefly talking over him, stated “Well, why don’t we make it a bill?” Specter immediately responded in a cantankerous manner, retorting “don’t interrupt me. I didn’t interrupt you. Act like a lady.”  A couple of additional barbs flew by, but you get the idea. Rep. Bachmann was taken aback by the the Senator’s arrogance and felt like he was essentially telling her to “just sit back and keep quiet.” National media outlets have since picked-up the story, calling Specter’s remarks “patronizing, demeaning and disrespectful.”

All of this begs the question of why civility isn’t exercised more often than hot-tempered, intractactable behavior in our normal discourse with one another?  I used to encounter this stark difference in my former job. I always enjoyed the easy-going, extremely polite cadence when speaking with clients located in the Southern U.S. versus what I encountered with some clients in the Northeastern part of the country. Mr. Martin’s article referenced similar instances of this type of pleasant demeanor experienced during a recent trip in Florida.

I’m not being naive…none of us have the capacity to always be “Mr. Happy.”  I’m merely suggesting, particularly as we 50 plus males age, it’s not a given that we naturally fall into becoming irascible old men with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Senator Specter could have courteously asked Rep. Bachmann to please allow him to finish before rebutting his comments. Thoughtfulness generally trumps sarcasm. This applies to many types of instances we confront in a typical day. I’m still in a learning stage, having recently been chastised by a couple of friends for my penchant of quickly saying “hello” when they phone and almost immediately turning the call over to my wife.

Guys, Mr. Martin is right…most times, exhibiting a hard edge can and should be replaced with genial behavior and respectfulness.

-Neal

In early Spring 2009, I read an on-line article published on MSN.com written by John W. Schoen, entitled “Boomers Face Stark Choices in Bleak Economy.” I felt the piece was so acutely on-point in terms of clarity and my personal situation at the time that I composed a rather lengthy email to Mr. Schoen praising him for his efforts.

Mr. Schoen’s article is part of a series called Reinventing America. While I’ve provided you a link to his piece, I’ll list the salient points in broad brushstrokes for you:

1. The collapse of the financial, housing, and job markets is causing the American Dream to disappear and boomers now find themselves in unimaginable, inexplicable straits. Many of us will be working later in life than originally planned at stagnant or decreased compensation levels.

2. In addition to the blow of boomers facing losses in their retirement accounts due to Wall Street’s recent collapse, many are depleting them to meet basic living expenses.

3. Boomers, representing the generation born to post-war families who rejoiced in the “good times that lay ahead,” are experiencing a palpable shift away from similar expectations. Our currently woeful economic climate will last longer than anything we’re used to, forcing many of us to question whether we will ever return to prosperity.

4. Many of us may have already seen our peak earning years surprisingly fade away at a much younger age than ever anticipated.

5. Some job skills are no longer transferrable due to becoming obsolete.

6. Losing our jobs, even under exigent circumstances, has usurped much of our pride and caused people to isolate themselves and not want to reach out for help.

7. Many baby boomers are encountering age discrimination in the course of job-hunting and their experience and advanced skill-sets are not what many cost-conscious employers are seeking.

8. All of this is causing many of us to reinvent ourselves in the pursuit of new careers, and this was not in our original game plan. For many boomers, reinventing oneself is not only difficult, but practically impossible.

9. The financial advice we’ve received during the past couple of decades (investing in the stock market and holding for the long-term, sacrificing to feed your IRA’s and 401 K’s) has come with greater than anticipated risk

10. Anxiety and stress levels have shot through the roof and many of us feel that our upcoming/present “golden years” have become permanently tarnished.

In December 2009 Mr. Schoen wrote another article, “Bleak Job Scene Poses Challenge for Obama.” This article deals with the slight economic recovery coupled with the continuing bleak job outlook that is not likely to dissipate anytime in the near future. I touched on this perplexing phenomenon in a previous post, Calling for George.

Points discussed by Mr. Schoen include:

1. Don’t be fooled by the recent slowing of job losses; any kind of recovery is going to be a long, arduous process…particularly the rehiring of so many displaced workers.

2. The stimulus package is slowly impacting our economy favorably, but lingering questions remain…is it enough or are additional measures by our government needed?/is there much more the government can or should do to stimulate job creation?

3. Unemployment figures are misleading; they do not count discouraged workers (people who have given up looking for a job) or the underemployed. Count these groups and the unemployment figure dramatically rises.

4. The current recession outstrips the previous one in scope.

5. The belief that an increased demand for products and services will give reason for employers to hire is a key impetus behind the extension of unemployment benefits (even though extensions add to our federal debt).

6. Increasing access to credit for small businesses will be a chief component of any recovery, but there is debate over how to best accomplish this, be it through tax cuts or an additional stimulus package.

After reading this article, I once again got in touch with Mr. Schoen. I’m happy to report that Mr. Schoen nicely sent swift replies to both of my emails. I’d like to share some of his thoughts with you.

According to Mr. Schoen, “’Boomers Face Stark Choices…” was one of the toughest stories he’s had to write in 30 years of reporting; in fact a portion of it was autobiographical. Many of the men he spoke to while composing the article had similar feelings to what I had expressed in my reply email, “the deep need to provide for family and a feeling of profound failure when we are no longer able to do so—or at least in a manner we believe we should.”  Mr. Schoen calls this our “cave man” DNA.

Mr. Schoen also stated that “I heard from many couples that the experience has brought them closer together, partly out of necessity. But adversity does force you to ask questions you might not otherwise and forces choices you may have been avoiding. Maybe it’s because most couples who have made it this far come to the realization that they’re not in it for the money.”

Regarding the “Bleak Job Scene Poses Challenge…” article, Mr. Schoen wrote to me acknowledging “since our last correspondence, I had heard from hundreds more 50-somethings who report things are getting worse, not better. Some have burned through savings trying to ‘do the right thing’ by paying off an underwater mortgage, only to lose the house after many months/years trying to get a break from their lender. A few I’ve met are on the verge of homelessness and this prospect seems very real to many more.”

Mr. Schoen has found, however, that many of his readers seem to be moving ahead into this new, unexpected phase in their lives with renewed energy. “They have no choice” said Mr. Schoen. “They feel there’s no sense in letting themselves get depressed and bitter.”

He goes on to say that there is also a wider mood amongst his readers of what he calls “recession  fatigue.” There is a great desire on everyone’s part to see the glass half full, to acknowledge “things are bad but maintain hope that we’re all through the worst and life will be back to normal in a few months or years.” Unfortunately, this yearning seems to be hampering meaningful solutions to very real, persistent problems. The panic is over, but the long-term damage still requires serious repair.

In the end, echoing Mr. Schoen’s thoughts, no matter what happens, we’re all going to be profoundly changed; hopefully it will be for the better.

-Neal

Few instances in life are more jolting than being told you have cancer. A few years ago I had a distressing urinary problem that initiated my first-ever visit to a urologist. The diagnosis was a bleeding cyst on my bladder, which I learned was a symptom of possible bladder cancer. Thank goodness, it was benign. Other than the untimely death of my father at a very young age (he was only 40) from a heart attack, nothing else in life besides that episode had taught me to appreciate life and treat each day as a gift.

Then, in March 2008, our family was hit by another fastball—my mother was diagnosed with Stage IIB lung cancer. She had just celebrated her 78th birthday and other than a slight hearing problem in one ear, was (so we thought) in remarkable health. She looked at least ten years younger and lived a full, active life filled with a loyal circle of friends, a zest for travel (including a recent trek to Africa!), while still working at a local law office two days/week. I’m ecstatic to report she is a survivor and her future prognosis couldn’t be brighter! My mother’s “adventure” struck my family to the core, but from the beginning, we provided a cohesive inner support team that functioned as one. We learned a lot, first and foremost how my mother re-defined the word “bravery,” but most importantly for you, some basic steps that should be undertaken if such a calamity strikes a member of your family or a friend.

The first piece of information details why I’m writing about this subject matter in The 50 Plus Male…cancer is predominantly a disease of older people. It’s estimated that about 60% of all new cancer cases occurs in the 65+ age category for both men and women. My mother was a smoker until she turned 40, and never showed any symptoms of lung cancer, but aging presents increased health risks and ‘lo and behold,’ her previous smoking habit determined it was pay-up time. 

Second is the crucial need for a strong support team for the patient. Don’t treat the word “cancer” or the actual condition as an anathema; it may sound harsh, but support team members need to just get over it and deal with it. It’s time to rally the troops, not spend precious time in a stupor. My wife and I, along with my brother and sister-in-law immediately came to my mother’s side to help her deal with the initial emotional trauma upon hearing the news from the doctor. Trust me, this is not a time for a loved one to be alone.

Next piece of advice—the support team needs to become ardent students of the particular form of cancer. My brother and I literally lived on the internet for the first couple of days, gathering numerous articles on both lung cancer and the best doctors/hospitals to consult. You shouldn’t ever, in my opinion, stop your learning cycle after just a couple of days, but we wanted to accumulate enough info as fast as possible to begin planning with our mother for how to proceed. She appreciated the concern and speed; it helped her get a grip on the situation. We narrowed our list of doctors/hospitals to six, and after numerous phone calls with some of my mother’s friends who had successfully battled cancer, along with recommendations from our own family doctors and an ensuing discussion with our mother, we narrowed the choices to three. My brother and I then placed calls to the three  doctors, who were very responsive upon hearing of our mother’s condition. We gave them credit, we surprisingly didn’t have to chase them down.

The common thread you should be noticing at this point is that we included my mother in every activity being undertaken. She was looking for us to manage the majority of the ground work (she didn’t sit idly by—she quickly became her own best student), but it’s integral that you don’t give the patient any sort of impression that they are an “island unto them self.” Ultimately, my mother made the final choice for where to go for her care.

The next suggestion deals with every doctor visit, but especially the initial consult. If there is ever a time where the patient’s mind is going to be off somewhere in la-la land, this is it. Powers of concentration from the patient, no matter how strongly they may be under normal circumstances, cannot be assumed by family members. Someone has to be by their side fully digesting what the doctor discusses and taking detailed notes. I also strongly suggest you bring a prepared list of questions gleaned from the research you’ve done beforehand. If you even sense the doctor is growing weary of the questioning, ignore it and press on. If the doctor has any sense, he’ll appreciate your preparedness; this helps form a constructive working relationship between all parties. Remember, you want answers, not a new friend!

The acute need to constantly remain aware of our mother’s emotional and spiritual state was paramount. She was rightly riding a roller coaster of emotions and it was up to us to both appreciate this fact and deal with it appropriately.

Once the treatment plan was finalized (biopsies/removal of a portion of my mother’s left lung), we took a few days to absorb everything; this was OK’d by the doctor.  Just getting to this point is exhaustive for all parties, not just the patient. While the game plan was to schedule the procedures ASAP, taking a couple of days off from all the running around and having thoughtful discussion was a blessing for everyone.

My sincere wish at this point is that your loved one’s operation goes as smoothly as my mother’s…she was talkative and inquisitive as soon as she was released from recovery and brought to her room. What a trooper—she was calming us down! Now, however, comes the après operation agenda.

A successful operation does not necessarily preclude a decisive decline in the patient’s emotional or spiritual trip to this point; we quickly learned through discussion with our mother and the doctor that a new set of concerns needed our attention, such as immediate post-op care (ex. radiation, chemotherapy), any possibility of physical limitations, long-term medical requirements (blood testing, follow-up doctor visitations, etc.), and financial-related questions.

As this post is already getting a bit lengthy, I will limit my discussion to only one of the aforementioned items—immediate post-op care. After discussion with the (new) doctor who would be in charge of the next stage of her care, my mother decided on chemotherapy. A word of caution so you won’t be shocked…you will  surprisingly be advised that undergoing chemotherapy as a preventative measure of cancer recurrence only produces minimal benefits in this regard.

If your loved one decides on chemotherapy, please be advised that you may want to accompany them  to the chemotherapy room, along with the presiding nurse, for their initial visit when they are given “the lay of the land” (in other words, before their first treatment). This can be a real shock, as the patient enters a room that can accommodate upwards of thirty-plus people at a time who are hooked-up to tubes. It can be a disturbing sight and produce a rush of emotion from your loved one; my mother’s eyes immediately started welling up. I instinctively turned to her and said ”I know what you’re thinking–what am I doing here?” I very gently put my arms around her and provided the answer—“this is where you finish getting well.” Needless to say, I joined her for the first two chemo appointments and by then, my mom was a pro and no longer craved company by her side. Credit to a wonderful nursing staff must be mentioned here.

Finally, my mother had requested communication with family and friends by us be kept to a minimum until after the operation, but we did not sway from interjecting our feelings as to when to fully enlist their support; effectively widening her circle of comfort. There were times we had to “override” my mother’s objections about who to include on the calling list; you will need to give this step some thought in terms of who can best be a real friend as opposed to just being a “busybody” who only wants to be kept up-to-date without truly acting as a source of strength.

Obviously, I’m not a medical professional, just someone with a modicum of common sense. I hope this discourse helps you…

-Neal