The 50 Plus Male

I’m in the middle of a lazy, overcast Sunday morning putting the finishing touches on breakfast. It’s the one day of the week I have our paper (The Philadelphia Inquirer) delivered, providing  the opportunity to “lose myself” for a couple of hours reading through its entirety. The Currents section, offering editorials and commentary, and the Local News section contain articles that are unwittingly related to one another and spark the idea behind this post.

One article, written by Bob Martin, a former Inquirer writer and editor, is entitled “We could go  a long way toward being brotherly,” with the subtitle “Our orneriness drags us down.” It details Mr. Martin’s description of an older work acquaintance nicknamed “Slim” who has since passed on; a gentleman known for his blue-collar survival skills and fierce “addytood,” who had  his way of doing the job and damn anyone who sought to introduce changes mentality. A colleague of Mr. Martin’s noted at Slim’s viewing that he looked more at peace than anytime he was alive. It made Mr. Martin wonder “if this hard edge that characterizes so much of our region serves any useful purpose or does it simply drag us down?”

The second article, by Jennifer Lin, an Inquirer staff writer, is entitled “Flap over Specter’s ‘act like a lady’ comment spreads.”  Senator Arlen Specter (D., Pa.) recently participated in a radio talk show with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) and the discussion had turned to the health-care bill. Specter noted that Rep. Bachmann had said she voted for prosperity, and countered that prosperity wasn’t a bill. Bachmann, briefly talking over him, stated “Well, why don’t we make it a bill?” Specter immediately responded in a cantankerous manner, retorting “don’t interrupt me. I didn’t interrupt you. Act like a lady.”  A couple of additional barbs flew by, but you get the idea. Rep. Bachmann was taken aback by the the Senator’s arrogance and felt like he was essentially telling her to “just sit back and keep quiet.” National media outlets have since picked-up the story, calling Specter’s remarks “patronizing, demeaning and disrespectful.”

All of this begs the question of why civility isn’t exercised more often than hot-tempered, intractactable behavior in our normal discourse with one another?  I used to encounter this stark difference in my former job. I always enjoyed the easy-going, extremely polite cadence when speaking with clients located in the Southern U.S. versus what I encountered with some clients in the Northeastern part of the country. Mr. Martin’s article referenced similar instances of this type of pleasant demeanor experienced during a recent trip in Florida.

I’m not being naive…none of us have the capacity to always be “Mr. Happy.”  I’m merely suggesting, particularly as we 50 plus males age, it’s not a given that we naturally fall into becoming irascible old men with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Senator Specter could have courteously asked Rep. Bachmann to please allow him to finish before rebutting his comments. Thoughtfulness generally trumps sarcasm. This applies to many types of instances we confront in a typical day. I’m still in a learning stage, having recently been chastised by a couple of friends for my penchant of quickly saying “hello” when they phone and almost immediately turning the call over to my wife.

Guys, Mr. Martin is right…most times, exhibiting a hard edge can and should be replaced with genial behavior and respectfulness.

-Neal

In early Spring 2009, I read an on-line article published on MSN.com written by John W. Schoen, entitled “Boomers Face Stark Choices in Bleak Economy.” I felt the piece was so acutely on-point in terms of clarity and my personal situation at the time that I composed a rather lengthy email to Mr. Schoen praising him for his efforts.

Mr. Schoen’s article is part of a series called Reinventing America. While I’ve provided you a link to his piece, I’ll list the salient points in broad brushstrokes for you:

1. The collapse of the financial, housing, and job markets is causing the American Dream to disappear and boomers now find themselves in unimaginable, inexplicable straits. Many of us will be working later in life than originally planned at stagnant or decreased compensation levels.

2. In addition to the blow of boomers facing losses in their retirement accounts due to Wall Street’s recent collapse, many are depleting them to meet basic living expenses.

3. Boomers, representing the generation born to post-war families who rejoiced in the “good times that lay ahead,” are experiencing a palpable shift away from similar expectations. Our currently woeful economic climate will last longer than anything we’re used to, forcing many of us to question whether we will ever return to prosperity.

4. Many of us may have already seen our peak earning years surprisingly fade away at a much younger age than ever anticipated.

5. Some job skills are no longer transferrable due to becoming obsolete.

6. Losing our jobs, even under exigent circumstances, has usurped much of our pride and caused people to isolate themselves and not want to reach out for help.

7. Many baby boomers are encountering age discrimination in the course of job-hunting and their experience and advanced skill-sets are not what many cost-conscious employers are seeking.

8. All of this is causing many of us to reinvent ourselves in the pursuit of new careers, and this was not in our original game plan. For many boomers, reinventing oneself is not only difficult, but practically impossible.

9. The financial advice we’ve received during the past couple of decades (investing in the stock market and holding for the long-term, sacrificing to feed your IRA’s and 401 K’s) has come with greater than anticipated risk

10. Anxiety and stress levels have shot through the roof and many of us feel that our upcoming/present “golden years” have become permanently tarnished.

In December 2009 Mr. Schoen wrote another article, “Bleak Job Scene Poses Challenge for Obama.” This article deals with the slight economic recovery coupled with the continuing bleak job outlook that is not likely to dissipate anytime in the near future. I touched on this perplexing phenomenon in a previous post, Calling for George.

Points discussed by Mr. Schoen include:

1. Don’t be fooled by the recent slowing of job losses; any kind of recovery is going to be a long, arduous process…particularly the rehiring of so many displaced workers.

2. The stimulus package is slowly impacting our economy favorably, but lingering questions remain…is it enough or are additional measures by our government needed?/is there much more the government can or should do to stimulate job creation?

3. Unemployment figures are misleading; they do not count discouraged workers (people who have given up looking for a job) or the underemployed. Count these groups and the unemployment figure dramatically rises.

4. The current recession outstrips the previous one in scope.

5. The belief that an increased demand for products and services will give reason for employers to hire is a key impetus behind the extension of unemployment benefits (even though extensions add to our federal debt).

6. Increasing access to credit for small businesses will be a chief component of any recovery, but there is debate over how to best accomplish this, be it through tax cuts or an additional stimulus package.

After reading this article, I once again got in touch with Mr. Schoen. I’m happy to report that Mr. Schoen nicely sent swift replies to both of my emails. I’d like to share some of his thoughts with you.

According to Mr. Schoen, “’Boomers Face Stark Choices…” was one of the toughest stories he’s had to write in 30 years of reporting; in fact a portion of it was autobiographical. Many of the men he spoke to while composing the article had similar feelings to what I had expressed in my reply email, “the deep need to provide for family and a feeling of profound failure when we are no longer able to do so—or at least in a manner we believe we should.”  Mr. Schoen calls this our “cave man” DNA.

Mr. Schoen also stated that “I heard from many couples that the experience has brought them closer together, partly out of necessity. But adversity does force you to ask questions you might not otherwise and forces choices you may have been avoiding. Maybe it’s because most couples who have made it this far come to the realization that they’re not in it for the money.”

Regarding the “Bleak Job Scene Poses Challenge…” article, Mr. Schoen wrote to me acknowledging “since our last correspondence, I had heard from hundreds more 50-somethings who report things are getting worse, not better. Some have burned through savings trying to ‘do the right thing’ by paying off an underwater mortgage, only to lose the house after many months/years trying to get a break from their lender. A few I’ve met are on the verge of homelessness and this prospect seems very real to many more.”

Mr. Schoen has found, however, that many of his readers seem to be moving ahead into this new, unexpected phase in their lives with renewed energy. “They have no choice” said Mr. Schoen. “They feel there’s no sense in letting themselves get depressed and bitter.”

He goes on to say that there is also a wider mood amongst his readers of what he calls “recession  fatigue.” There is a great desire on everyone’s part to see the glass half full, to acknowledge “things are bad but maintain hope that we’re all through the worst and life will be back to normal in a few months or years.” Unfortunately, this yearning seems to be hampering meaningful solutions to very real, persistent problems. The panic is over, but the long-term damage still requires serious repair.

In the end, echoing Mr. Schoen’s thoughts, no matter what happens, we’re all going to be profoundly changed; hopefully it will be for the better.

-Neal

Few instances in life are more jolting than being told you have cancer. A few years ago I had a distressing urinary problem that initiated my first-ever visit to a urologist. The diagnosis was a bleeding cyst on my bladder, which I learned was a symptom of possible bladder cancer. Thank goodness, it was benign. Other than the untimely death of my father at a very young age (he was only 40) from a heart attack, nothing else in life besides that episode had taught me to appreciate life and treat each day as a gift.

Then, in March 2008, our family was hit by another fastball—my mother was diagnosed with Stage IIB lung cancer. She had just celebrated her 78th birthday and other than a slight hearing problem in one ear, was (so we thought) in remarkable health. She looked at least ten years younger and lived a full, active life filled with a loyal circle of friends, a zest for travel (including a recent trek to Africa!), while still working at a local law office two days/week. I’m ecstatic to report she is a survivor and her future prognosis couldn’t be brighter! My mother’s “adventure” struck my family to the core, but from the beginning, we provided a cohesive inner support team that functioned as one. We learned a lot, first and foremost how my mother re-defined the word “bravery,” but most importantly for you, some basic steps that should be undertaken if such a calamity strikes a member of your family or a friend.

The first piece of information details why I’m writing about this subject matter in The 50 Plus Male…cancer is predominantly a disease of older people. It’s estimated that about 60% of all new cancer cases occurs in the 65+ age category for both men and women. My mother was a smoker until she turned 40, and never showed any symptoms of lung cancer, but aging presents increased health risks and ‘lo and behold,’ her previous smoking habit determined it was pay-up time. 

Second is the crucial need for a strong support team for the patient. Don’t treat the word “cancer” or the actual condition as an anathema; it may sound harsh, but support team members need to just get over it and deal with it. It’s time to rally the troops, not spend precious time in a stupor. My wife and I, along with my brother and sister-in-law immediately came to my mother’s side to help her deal with the initial emotional trauma upon hearing the news from the doctor. Trust me, this is not a time for a loved one to be alone.

Next piece of advice—the support team needs to become ardent students of the particular form of cancer. My brother and I literally lived on the internet for the first couple of days, gathering numerous articles on both lung cancer and the best doctors/hospitals to consult. You shouldn’t ever, in my opinion, stop your learning cycle after just a couple of days, but we wanted to accumulate enough info as fast as possible to begin planning with our mother for how to proceed. She appreciated the concern and speed; it helped her get a grip on the situation. We narrowed our list of doctors/hospitals to six, and after numerous phone calls with some of my mother’s friends who had successfully battled cancer, along with recommendations from our own family doctors and an ensuing discussion with our mother, we narrowed the choices to three. My brother and I then placed calls to the three  doctors, who were very responsive upon hearing of our mother’s condition. We gave them credit, we surprisingly didn’t have to chase them down.

The common thread you should be noticing at this point is that we included my mother in every activity being undertaken. She was looking for us to manage the majority of the ground work (she didn’t sit idly by—she quickly became her own best student), but it’s integral that you don’t give the patient any sort of impression that they are an “island unto them self.” Ultimately, my mother made the final choice for where to go for her care.

The next suggestion deals with every doctor visit, but especially the initial consult. If there is ever a time where the patient’s mind is going to be off somewhere in la-la land, this is it. Powers of concentration from the patient, no matter how strongly they may be under normal circumstances, cannot be assumed by family members. Someone has to be by their side fully digesting what the doctor discusses and taking detailed notes. I also strongly suggest you bring a prepared list of questions gleaned from the research you’ve done beforehand. If you even sense the doctor is growing weary of the questioning, ignore it and press on. If the doctor has any sense, he’ll appreciate your preparedness; this helps form a constructive working relationship between all parties. Remember, you want answers, not a new friend!

The acute need to constantly remain aware of our mother’s emotional and spiritual state was paramount. She was rightly riding a roller coaster of emotions and it was up to us to both appreciate this fact and deal with it appropriately.

Once the treatment plan was finalized (biopsies/removal of a portion of my mother’s left lung), we took a few days to absorb everything; this was OK’d by the doctor.  Just getting to this point is exhaustive for all parties, not just the patient. While the game plan was to schedule the procedures ASAP, taking a couple of days off from all the running around and having thoughtful discussion was a blessing for everyone.

My sincere wish at this point is that your loved one’s operation goes as smoothly as my mother’s…she was talkative and inquisitive as soon as she was released from recovery and brought to her room. What a trooper—she was calming us down! Now, however, comes the après operation agenda.

A successful operation does not necessarily preclude a decisive decline in the patient’s emotional or spiritual trip to this point; we quickly learned through discussion with our mother and the doctor that a new set of concerns needed our attention, such as immediate post-op care (ex. radiation, chemotherapy), any possibility of physical limitations, long-term medical requirements (blood testing, follow-up doctor visitations, etc.), and financial-related questions.

As this post is already getting a bit lengthy, I will limit my discussion to only one of the aforementioned items—immediate post-op care. After discussion with the (new) doctor who would be in charge of the next stage of her care, my mother decided on chemotherapy. A word of caution so you won’t be shocked…you will  surprisingly be advised that undergoing chemotherapy as a preventative measure of cancer recurrence only produces minimal benefits in this regard.

If your loved one decides on chemotherapy, please be advised that you may want to accompany them  to the chemotherapy room, along with the presiding nurse, for their initial visit when they are given “the lay of the land” (in other words, before their first treatment). This can be a real shock, as the patient enters a room that can accommodate upwards of thirty-plus people at a time who are hooked-up to tubes. It can be a disturbing sight and produce a rush of emotion from your loved one; my mother’s eyes immediately started welling up. I instinctively turned to her and said ”I know what you’re thinking–what am I doing here?” I very gently put my arms around her and provided the answer—“this is where you finish getting well.” Needless to say, I joined her for the first two chemo appointments and by then, my mom was a pro and no longer craved company by her side. Credit to a wonderful nursing staff must be mentioned here.

Finally, my mother had requested communication with family and friends by us be kept to a minimum until after the operation, but we did not sway from interjecting our feelings as to when to fully enlist their support; effectively widening her circle of comfort. There were times we had to “override” my mother’s objections about who to include on the calling list; you will need to give this step some thought in terms of who can best be a real friend as opposed to just being a “busybody” who only wants to be kept up-to-date without truly acting as a source of strength.

Obviously, I’m not a medical professional, just someone with a modicum of common sense. I hope this discourse helps you…

-Neal

Many of you have no doubt read your portion of the flurry of articles dealing with the “sandwich generation,” those of us who provide care not just for our children, but our parents as well. A sizable slice of boomers have willingly accepted this dual responsibility, while others have shunned aside any efforts to do so and view the situation as a dilemma they either don’t have the means to handle and/or desire to engage.

According to an article by Sheri and Bob Stritof, authors of The Everything Great Marriage Book, who have furnished expert counsel in numerous publications, there are estimates that upwards of two-thirds of our generation will be taking care of at least one aging parent over the next ten years. Combine this possibility with other everyday concerns many of us face (ex. marital, finances, our own health) and you have a cocktail that is equal parts anxiety and bewilderment. 

Any of the major internet search engines will yield a bounty of resources on this subject. One aggregate site you may find helpful is at CNNMoney.com, which covers various facets of the puzzle such as social, legal, health, and financial planning.

My wife and I do not have any children; hence we are only dealing with one side of the equation—concern for our surviving parents. This is reason enough for why I’m reluctant to proffer any personal recommendations, along with not being an expert in the field. There is one piece of advice I can offer as a result of practice, however, and it stems for pure common sense:  communication is integral. It has to flow in every direction with all children, spouses and parents serving as road-markers. If you’re not broaching the subject out of fear, guilt, or general lack of obligation, nothing but trouble lurks ahead. Granted, not all parties may be amenable to the discussion, but you need to press on…

Family dynamics can be tricky, but the “sandwich generation” needs to remain cognizant that this is a minor obstacle compared to the difficulty and sometimes overwhelming responsibility of the choices that may lie ahead.

-Neal

Remember when you went to the movies as a kid?  You always went with your buddies and choosing a film was never a problem; you effortlessly came to common agreement nine times out of ten.  Now, as a 50 plus male, it’s a whole different story.  We generally no longer attend movies with just our buddies; we go as a twosome with our wives or (for the single guys) whomever we’re dating; anything more than a twosome means joining other couples.

This change of venue has brought about a conflict for many 50 plus males:  we tend to get the short end of the stick when decision time comes for movie choices. Our “better halves” most times dictate that we attend a “chick flick” as opposed to a “guy movie.”  My wife, Neets, is not one who even enjoys going to the movies, as she hates the lack of cleanliness found in many theaters along with the frequently noisy audiences.  But on the odd occasion that we do go to a movie, violence, sports, and silly comedies aren’t on the table for discussion. “Lighthearted,” “romantic,” and “anything with Meryl Streep” define the boundaries of the OK-to-see list.

The upshot of this discord is that the 50 plus male’s principal means of watching guy movies is limited to when they’re shown on television.  All of this got me to thinking about my next top ten list for The 50 Plus Male (see My Top Ten post from August 7 for the first list):  Favorite Guy Movies of All-time.  This, admittedly, is totally subjective, but the name of the game is to encourage thought and discussion for all of you.  So, without further adieu…

10.  Thief (this is a sleeper pick, but is possibly James Caan’s best movie other than The Godfather)

9.  Predator (OK, Arnold isn’t the greatest actor, but admit it, this was an intense film)

8.  The Wild Bunch (no guy’s list would be complete without a Sam Peckinpah movie, and this was one of his best)

7.  Deliverance (Burt Reynolds did quality work as Lewis Medlock, and after the “squeal like a pig”/ “weee” scene I never looked at bacon the same way again)

6.  Wall Street (power, greed, corruption, ego…what else do you need?)

5.  Dirty Harry (Clint’s introduction of one of cinema’s all-time great characters along with his alter-ego, the .44 Magnum)

4.  The Godfather (other than chick flicks, is there a top ten movie list that wouldn’t include this one?)

3.  Slap Shot (lewd humor, sports, camaraderie, lewd humor…in short, everything most women would not want to see)

2.  Cool Hand Luke (Paul Newman at his best, the egg-eating scene, the chain-gang/car wash scene where George Kennedy in his Oscar-winning role as Dragline says “Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille.”)

1.  The Dirty Dozen (Lee Marvin and an all-star cast providing the ultimate in bravery and lunacy)

The chief quality these films have is that you’ve probably seen each one at least five times, yet would watch them another five times…they never lose their appeal.  Ultimately, if Neets lets me watch these classics over and over, I guess I can endure the intermittent chick flick.  That’s our current understanding with one another; no need to express “what we’ve got here is…failure to communicate.”

-Neal

My immediate family has been graciously supportive of my efforts in the conception of this blog and my opening posts.  This support has extended to suggesting future topics to discuss in The 50 Plus Male.  During a conversation with my mother today, she broached the subject of baldness, an idea no doubt buoyed by the way her eyes inevitably drift up to my, shall we say, “less than hirsute head” whenever she visits.

I began to lose my hair in my late thirties.  There were clues leading to this:  my maternal grandfather was semi-bald and while I had a full Afro in college, my hair was wiry and on the thin side.  The good news, I suppose, is that the loss began and ended quickly.  The sides and back of my head are still full; it’s the top that has the vacancy sign flashing…we’re only 20% full…OK, maybe 15%!

Oddly enough, the way I get my hair cut has been all the rage the past couple of years for men with  my “condition.”  I keep my remaining hair extremely short, as in military-style short.  Having long ago abandoned the need for my barber to use scissors when cutting my hair, the instrument of choice is now solely the electric clippers.  Clippers can do varying amounts of damage shearing depending on whether you get cut with just the bare-bones clippers or also use the snap-on attachments all of us MPB ( male-pattern baldness) guys know as #1, 2, 3 or 4.  Use of the clippers without any attachment leaves your hair the shortest, while use of the clippers with an attachment leaves your hair progressively longer as the attachment # increases.

I used to get my entire head cut using the #2 attachment, a practice that went on for a couple of years. On a whim, I tried a haircut one day with the #1 and stuck with that for most of the past 10-12 years.  After seeing a number of MPB guys wearing their hair even shorter than me, I took the bold leap to getting cut without any attachment, just my skin and the clippers coming together for an eventful meeting.  After the initial shock of seeing me with a haircut “just this side” of the Bruce Willis look, my wife and family/friends strongly suggested going back to using the #1 for future cuts.  There was one problem with this unanimous request; I absolutely loved the new look, and continued with it until this past February.

That’s when I started going to a barber in my neighborhood (author’s note:  the 50 plus male’s relationship with his barber will be the subject of a future post) and he suggested getting a #1 on top and gradually fading to a 0 (as in bare-bones clippers) on the sides and back, since this would look like a more professional haircut.  This has become the de rigueur look.  I’m not going as far to say that my wife is placated, but she has stopped calling me “Bruce.”

-Neal

Ahh, your first time…what man doesn’t remember who he was with, where he was, and how mind-blowing it was…just like you knew it would be.

Uh guys, I’m not talking about your first woman; no, I’m unfortunately referring to that first time you received a membership solicitation in the mail from AARP! When it happened to me, you could hear my groan from a hundred miles away. Turning fifty is a big enough event unto itself; seeing the AARP return address on that envelope even before opening it is being slapped in the face and that, my friends, is a whole other ballgame.

Here’s the dichotomy with this whole issue…I’m aware, as are most other 50 plus males, that AARP is a terrific organization. Upon reading that first appeal to join, you’re presented with a multitude of benefits “once they gotcha…” However, to this day (remember, as I compose this post, turning 57 years of age is quickly approaching), I have not pulled the trigger and joined. I know what you’re probably thinking; it’s just sheer vanity getting in the way of rational action. But hey, did I mention that I just cannot pull the trigger?

Give AARP credit: they know the meaning of “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again!” While they take care not to overwhelm you with mailings, they are definitely following a model of periodic consistency. Deep down, in my heart of hearts, I know I’ll eventually come to my senses and take advantage of the privileges of membership, and that this day is coming sooner rather than later.

So here’s my question: Do you understand why I haven’t joined thus far? Am I just acting immaturely? Is it just plain foolishness? Please let me know your thoughts, because for a guy who prides himself on thinking through most situations in a concise and clear manner, I’m totally confused.

-Neal