The 50 Plus Male

The New Year holiday period has just ended, typically signaling a time for a fresh outlook on life;   making minor tweaks and/or major adjustments to our daily rituals. In the 2 1/2 years I’ve been composing The 50 Plus Male blog, I’ve always skipped to fresh subject matter with each posting. So, to slightly “shake the tree,” and do something a bit different, this month’s dialogue will tie-in with our most recent article, “Sense and Sensibilities.”

While that article delved into my harsh feelings toward the blatant commercialization of my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, you also got a glimpse into how much I truly treasure the meaning behind the day. A number of years ago, I noticed that my family had fallen into a pattern whereby a given holiday was annually hosted by the same person. I made a pronouncement that we had unwittingly started a “tradition,” with this unintended scheduling, so why not make it permanent? We have done so and my wife and I have always served as Thanksgiving hosts in the ensuing years. Quite frankly, a pair of pliers on steroids couldn’t pry away celebrating this holiday at our home, as my reverence for Thanksgiving far exceeds that of any other holiday.

In my younger days, I didn’t feel this way; one holiday morphed into the next without giving any special thought to its underlying purpose. As I’ve aged, however, my perceptions have naturally changed (for the better), and without “cutting things too thin” with my vernacular, the difference between doing something out of habit, versus the desire to do so due to tradition has illuminated. I think I’ve figured out why this has happened with me: the aging process is continually increasing my respect for personal emotions…

Let me provide two examples for you. In December 2010, I told Ed, my best friend of over 40 years, that my wife and I would not be joining “the gang” for our traditional (there’s that word again) New Year’s Eve dinner at a local French restaurant, an establishment with exceptional fare cooked by a world-renowned chef many of us have befriended. The reason was simple; we just didn’t want to spend the money, given how tight our finances were at the time. The next day, we had an unannounced visit from Ed and it didn’t take “an Einstein” to determine his reasoning. He literally pleaded with us to change our minds; the tradition of our crowd celebrating the New Year together was unbroken for all these many years; and his eyes literally began to fill-up with tears when he underscored how much this meant to him. If ever the delineation between “habit” versus “tradition” needed clarifying, it had just occurred. Needless to say, my wife and I immediately relented and once again joined our friends for our yearly celebration.

The second example just happened two weeks ago on Christmas Day. My wife and I have grown to appreciate the simple things when it comes to gifts from one another. Over the many years of our marriage, habit has evolved into tradition when I buy her stocking-stuffer gifts. They are always either a Christmas tree ornament and/or a holiday ornament for our fireplace hearth. Sound too mundane for you? Look into my wife’s eyes as she opens these gifts; I’m choking-up now with visions of her appreciative expression and gratitude…this seemingly innocuous tradition holds that much meaning for both of us.

Don’t sit there thinking I’m getting soft in my old age; as someone with a somewhat too-steely inner resolve, it’s a comfort knowing traditions are gradually melting away my edges.

-Neal

Talk about a dour week for our country! We’ve slipped to fifth place in the annual ranking of the world’s most competitive economies, our President’s job approval ratings have hit an all-time low, Congress continues to bicker with one another, and most poignantly, we’re four days away from the tenth anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy.

This is the perfect time for someone to step up to the plate and yell “snap out of it,” and, thankfully, it just happened to me. A moment ago, I finished reading an article and viewing the accompanying video for the Today Show’s “American Story” segment airing each day this week in remembrance of 9/11. Today’s installment, on the Alonso family of Stony Point, NY, dealt with the untimely death of a mother of two children (one with Down syndrome) and how a father’s love and devotion has kept the family whole. I was particularly moved by a lesson the father has taught his two children in light of the fate befallen them by their 9/11 experience: treat every moment like an unopened gift.

This powerful point is applicable in myriad ways and sometimes, admittedly, I have to force myself to heed the advice. Lately, I’ve felt apprehensive about the lack of control “the average guy” (including yours truly) has in dealing with our current economic milieu. We now live in a world where a banker in the U.S. sneezes and a banker in Switzerland is the one saying “gesundheit.” Any given country’s economy can now have a rippling effect on the rest of the world and the markets get roiled. Many American corporations are awash in cash reserves, yet won’t boost their hiring efforts. The stock market’s daily activity is severely impacted by super-computer trading that kicks in at a moment’s notice (this was addressed in an earlier post entitled “Risky Business”). Even attempting to follow the many avenues of advice we hear about building a defensive position in your portfolios seems akin to selling ice to an eskimo. Guess what, I’ve learned I can only control so much and not to unduly fret over what I can’t control.

Here’s another example in my life where this sage advice hits home–I’ve learned to navigate what was once regarded as a hurdle and now treat as an opportunity. In the midst of an impending career change, I’m faced with a fairly steep learning curve. Like many of my 50 plus male counterparts, I always felt I’d be an expert in my chosen field at this stage of my life, and that my days of learning were basically over…I would now be the teacher. Life doesn’t always go according to plan, however, and I once again have become the student. Instead of resenting these circumstances, I’m excited about studying new subjects like social media marketing (through books, white papers, webinars), and cannot wait to get rolling in my new career! Expanding my business knowledge, while utilizing all that I’ve learned to this point as a solid foundation, truly has been like receiving an unopened gift.

Finally, the third and most salient reason to accede to Mr. Alonso’s advice: life itself. Two weeks ago, I lost a dear friend from my junior high/high school days, resulting from a tragic auto accident. He was an absolute sweetheart of a guy—warm, caring, with a perpetual smile painted on his face. Everyone he knew thought highly of him and his untimely death is still registering shock waves amongst family and friends. The lesson here is obvious folks—it can all disappear in an instant. Savor every moment of every day; each morning we wake up is indeed another gift…

-Neal

Those of you who have been avid followers of The 50 Plus Male since its inception are aware I “fought the good fight” against joining AARP (dating back to You Always Remember Your First). You also know I finally “swallowed my pride” and recently joined this august organization. AARP members automatically receive AARP The Magazine, and two articles in the latest issue have set-off a round of mental volleys that I’m having trouble resolving.

One brief discussion centers around people 50+ years of age being more trusting than younger adults. The premise is that we tend to more readily trust others, allowing us to widen our sphere of friendships. These experiences help us to become more perceptive in judging character and separating fact from fiction.

My response to this: really??

Without sounding overly cynical, I’ve encountered too many instances of the opposite behavior amongst my 50+ year old brethren to endorse this view. As we age, I find more and more of us becoming less forgiving…this conduct manifests in the increasing number of us judging people based on whatever is occurring during the worst of times instead of shaping views based over a sustained period. Unfortunately, I can personally attest to this shortsightedness; mind you, I am trying to be as polite as possible here. 

Presently enduring an increasingly long stretch of trying to effect a career change has brought about some rather severe lifestyle changes for my wife and I…those 50+ males in similar circumstances know how disheartening these circumstances can become, especially via pressures felt by our spouses, who should always remain our primary concern. What’s disconcerting is the surprisingly malevolent remarks made to me, and more importantly my wife, by some of our “friends” about our present situation. The level of vitriol bandied about is generally discharged without any knowledge on the part of others as to what is taking place on a daily basis re: my efforts to right the ship. It makes me wonder if the previous three-plus decades when everything was progressing smoothly, or, to quote Plato, we were thriving as opposed to surviving, even existed…

Why is it that when we become older (again, my opinion) facts tend to fly out the window and we revel in the fall of others? Isn’t this instead the time to grow more introspective and really try to form mature, factual opinions based on the entirety of one’s life to this point rather than myopically focusing on just our present lot? Simply put, do people really understand?

The oft-stated premise that “unless you’ve walked a mile in another person’s shoes, forming a valid opinion is without merit” is an assertion to which I wholeheartedly subscribe. Any  50+ individuals out there who have not had to re-brand themselves, (the subject of the second of the AARP articles previously referred to), don’t know from whence you speak. This concept of self-branding, developed by management guru Tom Peters, is difficult and time-consuming; indeed for many in our age bracket, it goes against our very nature since it can feel like a form of self-braggadocio. As the article states, you have to learn how to become CEO of your own new company, Me Inc. This requires digging deep and thinking about how your working life can (finally) become both pleasurable and fruitful, coupled with new levels of learning in order to avoid obsolescence. Determining one’s value proposition is never an easy task…progressing through the necessary steps to possibly change this is an even more difficult exercise, particularly at this stage of our lives. So again I ask, do people really understand?

Honestly folks, this post wasn’t composed for purposes of venting or complaining, and I’m cognizant, even hopeful this discussion will induce some strongly-felt feedback.  If both my own circle of friends and yours have gained a broader perspective in how to surmise a truer fact-based assessment, my job is done. If they haven’t learned anything and merely want to fire the next volley…well, bring it on, I’ve got a broad set of shoulders!

-Neal

Well gang, it’s that festive time of year, and as my wife and I observe different religions, we celebrate Chrismakah (or is it Chanumas?)—heck, we find any description more personal than the politically correct “Happy Holidays!”

Pausing to reflect on what was a volatile 2010,  we can still agree there are many facets of life for which we can express our gratitude, even in these difficult times. Stretching this pensive exercise a bit enables us to also mention some things we’d be grateful for should they actually come to fruition in the near future.  So, without further delay, here are some personal thoughts that fall into both camps. All of these deeply appreciative declarations involve 50 Plus Males.

I’d be profoundly grateful if…

…John Boehner, Mitch McConnell, and Harry Reid would cease to continually look dour and solemn. Guys, I know you deal with weighty matters, but it’s OK to smile every now and then.

…Billy Joel would finally satisfy his orchestral muse, so he can get back to his roots and produce the kind of music he does best—straight ahead rock ’n’ roll; if Bruuuce can still do it, so can Billy.

…Harrison Ford would take out that ridiculous-looking earring.

…the age discrimination factor ever-present in our workplace (trust me, it’s real) would cease and desist, so that more unemployed 50 plus males could get a fair shake when applying for jobs. Most of us are technically proficient, and experience does count—stop thinking of this demographic as ready to be put out to pasture!

…every other commercial on television wasn’t for erectile dysfunction. I get it already—I’m in my fifties now and  can only go 3500 miles between oil changes.

…my body could recover from new forms of exercise as quickly as it used to. I recently borrowed the P90X Abs workout DVD from my younger brother and practically collapsed at the mid-point. The routine put such a strain on my thighs that I spent the next two days almost unable to lift my legs—I had to drop my pants on the floor each morning to step into them before pulling them up, literally grab my hamstring areas to lift my legs into the car, and do the same when getting into bed at night. Two days of shameful pain for me/two days of hysterical laughter from my brother—yeah, thanks for all the empathy bro’.

…my mother would stop pestering me about getting my next colonoscopy. I know it’s been six years since my first one, but I’ve been poked and prodded so often over the past few years for various medical procedures (who amongst us hasn’t?) that I’m not yet ready to take down the “NO TRESPASSING” sign hanging by my rear entrance.

I’m extremely grateful for…

…Art Buchwald, specifically his collective wit and wisdom in Down The Seine And Up The Potomac. All of today’s politicians should view this book as required reading so they can receive a healthy dose of humor. Buchwald’s voice is sorely missed.

…still possessing a wide spectrum of musical tastes. I equally enjoy Ozzy Osbourne, Aerosmith, Motown, Rhianna, and Akon while appreciating the genius that is Sinatra. You know what else I like—electronica club music—I’m 58 years old, go figure?!

…Jesse Ventura (nee James George Janos) anytime he gets a real haircut.

…having the sense to continue “the good fight” against an expanding waistline. I have a 34” waist, so when I look down I can clearly see my toes and reach them without bending my knees.

…having a mother who always remains concerned about her two boys. We should all be so lucky.

…all of my wonderful friendships that have spanned 35-40 years. I couldn’t ask for a better source of laughter and support.

…waking up every morning and staring across at the woman I so deeply love. Twenty-two years of marriage to a woman who always inspires me to be a better man than I was yesterday. Thanks honey.

…my readers. The 50 Plus Male couldn’t exist without you; it’s a sincere privilege communicating with such a vibrant group of folks who have so much to offer. Here’s hoping all of you keep up “the good fight.” Have a happy and healthy New Year.

-Neal

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you

If you’re young at heart.

For it’s hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind

If you’re young at heart.

-Lyrics from “Young At Heart” by Frank Sinatra

A month ago I had the pleasure of attending nuptials for the son of my dear friends, Paul and Beth. Paul is a charter member of my esteemed  Boston University Rat Pack and met Beth while attending college. One of the many benefits of gatherings like this is they serve as yardsticks for the longevity and strength of everlasting friendships. The weekend was ripe with reminisces and laughter, and we quickly lost count of how many instances we uttered “I can’t believe we did that” while discussing our college years.

The kick-off to the wedding weekend was the Friday night dinner hosted by Paul and Beth for all of the out-of towners in attendance. In the midst of (admittedly too many) drinks and all the merriment taking place at the Rat Pack table, I commented that while all of us were turning fifty-eight years of age, I still thought of myself as twenty-five (now pointing to my forehead) up here. Quick, common agreement around the table caused a discussion to ensue on this “phenomenon” so often felt by many other fifty plus men and women. Is thinking of oneself as being younger than chronological age purely an exercise in mental delusion? Or, does this feeling have real emotional grounds, based on your current life circumstances or other criteria?

Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not suggesting the feeling of immortality we felt in our teens and twenties. At this stage of the game, every day must be savored. We’re living in very tough economic times now, as detailed in a previous post, Half Full or Half Empty, and many fifty plus couples have seen their savings devastated, find themselves unemployed or underemployed, and regard “retirement” as merely a word in the dictionary. Mix this with increasing health concerns/costs for our age group and you might think it’s enough to “drive one into the grave” as opposed to feeling sprite and chipper.

The real trick, as I see it, is to realize how family and (in this case) friends can provide a circle of support capable of lifting you from the doldrums even in the worst of times. Sometimes, it just takes a “kick in the pants” like a rowdy dinner with friends recalling good times past and those yet to come. During the Friday night festivities, all daily concerns and troubles evaporated; the camaraderie formed by friendships spanning almost forty years took firm grasp of the evening and laid a foundation for one of the most enjoyable weekends of our lives.

There are countless boomer generation articles on how to feel young at heart offering prescriptions  revolving around pursuing hobbies, supporting pet causes, travelling, staying physically active, etc. There’s certainly nothing wrong with this advice, but it needs to defer to the more basic elements inherent in this discussion—levity, laughter, family, friendship and most importantly, the genuine ability to really care for those around you. In the end, you’ll experience levels of happiness that are multiples of what you give of yourself…

-Neal

I’m in the middle of a lazy, overcast Sunday morning putting the finishing touches on breakfast. It’s the one day of the week I have our paper (The Philadelphia Inquirer) delivered, providing  the opportunity to “lose myself” for a couple of hours reading through its entirety. The Currents section, offering editorials and commentary, and the Local News section contain articles that are unwittingly related to one another and spark the idea behind this post.

One article, written by Bob Martin, a former Inquirer writer and editor, is entitled “We could go  a long way toward being brotherly,” with the subtitle “Our orneriness drags us down.” It details Mr. Martin’s description of an older work acquaintance nicknamed “Slim” who has since passed on; a gentleman known for his blue-collar survival skills and fierce “addytood,” who had  his way of doing the job and damn anyone who sought to introduce changes mentality. A colleague of Mr. Martin’s noted at Slim’s viewing that he looked more at peace than anytime he was alive. It made Mr. Martin wonder “if this hard edge that characterizes so much of our region serves any useful purpose or does it simply drag us down?”

The second article, by Jennifer Lin, an Inquirer staff writer, is entitled “Flap over Specter’s ‘act like a lady’ comment spreads.”  Senator Arlen Specter (D., Pa.) recently participated in a radio talk show with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) and the discussion had turned to the health-care bill. Specter noted that Rep. Bachmann had said she voted for prosperity, and countered that prosperity wasn’t a bill. Bachmann, briefly talking over him, stated “Well, why don’t we make it a bill?” Specter immediately responded in a cantankerous manner, retorting “don’t interrupt me. I didn’t interrupt you. Act like a lady.”  A couple of additional barbs flew by, but you get the idea. Rep. Bachmann was taken aback by the the Senator’s arrogance and felt like he was essentially telling her to “just sit back and keep quiet.” National media outlets have since picked-up the story, calling Specter’s remarks “patronizing, demeaning and disrespectful.”

All of this begs the question of why civility isn’t exercised more often than hot-tempered, intractactable behavior in our normal discourse with one another?  I used to encounter this stark difference in my former job. I always enjoyed the easy-going, extremely polite cadence when speaking with clients located in the Southern U.S. versus what I encountered with some clients in the Northeastern part of the country. Mr. Martin’s article referenced similar instances of this type of pleasant demeanor experienced during a recent trip in Florida.

I’m not being naive…none of us have the capacity to always be “Mr. Happy.”  I’m merely suggesting, particularly as we 50 plus males age, it’s not a given that we naturally fall into becoming irascible old men with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Senator Specter could have courteously asked Rep. Bachmann to please allow him to finish before rebutting his comments. Thoughtfulness generally trumps sarcasm. This applies to many types of instances we confront in a typical day. I’m still in a learning stage, having recently been chastised by a couple of friends for my penchant of quickly saying “hello” when they phone and almost immediately turning the call over to my wife.

Guys, Mr. Martin is right…most times, exhibiting a hard edge can and should be replaced with genial behavior and respectfulness.

-Neal

Last week my Inbox contained an email that  brought a smile to my face.  My barber Ben, who some time ago had the foresight to start a business website to serve as the primary vehicle for his customers to book appointments and provide easy two-way communication access with his clientele, was planning to close early on an upcoming Friday to attend his fiftieth high school reunion.

Next April welcomes my fortieth reunion…the mere thought of forty years having passed since graduation causes me to shake my head in utter disbelief, not dismay mind you, just incredulity as to where the time has gone.  I can only imagine how fifty years is hitting Ben.

My high school’s reunion committee has dutifully remained intact and has provided yeoman service in organizing these class events every five years. My best friend of the past forty-some years, Jeff, is a member of the committee and I’m always kept abreast of the latest reunion news.  I’m proud to say that I’ve attended all but one of these soirees and am a better man for having done so.  I state this for simple, yet essential reasons…

Reunions are thought by some to be trivial in nature, holding no importance other than momentarily reconnecting with only those closest to you during your high school years.  I suggest this avenue of thought does not hold any weight.  A reunion, especially for us 50 plus males (and females) is an indicative milestone, and shouldn’t be regarded as an incidental snobbish milieu, as oft-expressed.  They are a chance to celebrate that “we’re still alive and cooking” and can render emotional and spiritual benefits as a by-product of the surprising magnitude of physical bonding that can take place if you can just let go of any trepidation or reluctance.  Don’t worry about possible recidivist high-school-like behavior; people do mature…so have you.

When I married, my intent was to proudly have my wife accompany me to my reunions.  After attending one function, Neets remarked that I’d probably have a better time without her (definite “code speak” that she was bored, though I made an effort to include Neets in as many introductions and conversations as possible). While I didn’t agree, I have consequently attended the last few reunions solo, and while I yearn for my wife’s company, the exuberance and friendliness I have encountered among my classmates at each reunion has been so remarkable that I now understand what Neets was suggesting…it’s a time for me to truly “live in the moment” and cherish fond memories of years gone by. 

So Ben, I understand the excitement you expressed to me during my last haircut; becoming a golden oldie (which my class will soon discover) is a badge of honor; it sure as hell beats the alternative.  Go forth and celebrate!

-Neal 

Remember when you went to the movies as a kid?  You always went with your buddies and choosing a film was never a problem; you effortlessly came to common agreement nine times out of ten.  Now, as a 50 plus male, it’s a whole different story.  We generally no longer attend movies with just our buddies; we go as a twosome with our wives or (for the single guys) whomever we’re dating; anything more than a twosome means joining other couples.

This change of venue has brought about a conflict for many 50 plus males:  we tend to get the short end of the stick when decision time comes for movie choices. Our “better halves” most times dictate that we attend a “chick flick” as opposed to a “guy movie.”  My wife, Neets, is not one who even enjoys going to the movies, as she hates the lack of cleanliness found in many theaters along with the frequently noisy audiences.  But on the odd occasion that we do go to a movie, violence, sports, and silly comedies aren’t on the table for discussion. “Lighthearted,” “romantic,” and “anything with Meryl Streep” define the boundaries of the OK-to-see list.

The upshot of this discord is that the 50 plus male’s principal means of watching guy movies is limited to when they’re shown on television.  All of this got me to thinking about my next top ten list for The 50 Plus Male (see My Top Ten post from August 7 for the first list):  Favorite Guy Movies of All-time.  This, admittedly, is totally subjective, but the name of the game is to encourage thought and discussion for all of you.  So, without further adieu…

10.  Thief (this is a sleeper pick, but is possibly James Caan’s best movie other than The Godfather)

9.  Predator (OK, Arnold isn’t the greatest actor, but admit it, this was an intense film)

8.  The Wild Bunch (no guy’s list would be complete without a Sam Peckinpah movie, and this was one of his best)

7.  Deliverance (Burt Reynolds did quality work as Lewis Medlock, and after the “squeal like a pig”/ “weee” scene I never looked at bacon the same way again)

6.  Wall Street (power, greed, corruption, ego…what else do you need?)

5.  Dirty Harry (Clint’s introduction of one of cinema’s all-time great characters along with his alter-ego, the .44 Magnum)

4.  The Godfather (other than chick flicks, is there a top ten movie list that wouldn’t include this one?)

3.  Slap Shot (lewd humor, sports, camaraderie, lewd humor…in short, everything most women would not want to see)

2.  Cool Hand Luke (Paul Newman at his best, the egg-eating scene, the chain-gang/car wash scene where George Kennedy in his Oscar-winning role as Dragline says “Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille.”)

1.  The Dirty Dozen (Lee Marvin and an all-star cast providing the ultimate in bravery and lunacy)

The chief quality these films have is that you’ve probably seen each one at least five times, yet would watch them another five times…they never lose their appeal.  Ultimately, if Neets lets me watch these classics over and over, I guess I can endure the intermittent chick flick.  That’s our current understanding with one another; no need to express “what we’ve got here is…failure to communicate.”

-Neal

The most famous Rat Pack of all time, most 50 plus males would agree, consisted of Frank (Sinatra), Dean (Martin), Sammy (Davis, Jr.), Peter (Lawford) and Joey (Bishop).  They epitomized true friends who lived life to the fullest and “had each other’s backs” at the slightest hint of trouble.  They formed a tight-knit social unit, as best friends should; and while each man may have had many other individually cherished friendships, entry into the Pack was denied to anyone but the five of them.

While the original Rat Pack have all unfortunately passed on, the concept of the Rat Pack has continued to provide the 50 plus male the core of what each of us may consider our most important social circle outside of immediate family.  Whenever I am asked how life has blessed me, my best friendships, all of which are at least 35 years in duration, are near the top of my list.  My Rat Pack is both home grown (I live in a suburb of Philadelphia) and college-based (from my years as a student at Boston University).  My guys have been here in a heartbeat, for both good times and bad, as I have for them.

My intent, by the way, is not to slight any of our wives for some perceived lack of support, but sometimes a guy just needs to speak with “one of the boys” depending on the topic or task at hand…I know women can function the same way too, but male Rat Packs are different than our female counterparts in some crucial ways.  The most obvious, in my opinion, (oh boy am I going to draw some heat for this!) is that men are more quickly forgiving to their Rat Pack brothers for any slight; we just don’t hold grudges because that’s not part of our code.

As we progress through 50 plus years of age, these friendships seem to grow in importance.  I don’t take them for granted, as I sometimes did in my earlier years.  We no longer think of ourselves as invincible, not when other family members, friends, and classmates sadly are no longer with us.  Personally speaking, mere words cannot due justice to the high regard and “love” I have for my guys, and if they ever need me, I’m right here.

-Neal