The 50 Plus Male

I’m in the middle of a lazy, overcast Sunday morning putting the finishing touches on breakfast. It’s the one day of the week I have our paper (The Philadelphia Inquirer) delivered, providing  the opportunity to “lose myself” for a couple of hours reading through its entirety. The Currents section, offering editorials and commentary, and the Local News section contain articles that are unwittingly related to one another and spark the idea behind this post.

One article, written by Bob Martin, a former Inquirer writer and editor, is entitled “We could go  a long way toward being brotherly,” with the subtitle “Our orneriness drags us down.” It details Mr. Martin’s description of an older work acquaintance nicknamed “Slim” who has since passed on; a gentleman known for his blue-collar survival skills and fierce “addytood,” who had  his way of doing the job and damn anyone who sought to introduce changes mentality. A colleague of Mr. Martin’s noted at Slim’s viewing that he looked more at peace than anytime he was alive. It made Mr. Martin wonder “if this hard edge that characterizes so much of our region serves any useful purpose or does it simply drag us down?”

The second article, by Jennifer Lin, an Inquirer staff writer, is entitled “Flap over Specter’s ‘act like a lady’ comment spreads.”  Senator Arlen Specter (D., Pa.) recently participated in a radio talk show with Rep. Michele Bachmann (R., Minn.) and the discussion had turned to the health-care bill. Specter noted that Rep. Bachmann had said she voted for prosperity, and countered that prosperity wasn’t a bill. Bachmann, briefly talking over him, stated “Well, why don’t we make it a bill?” Specter immediately responded in a cantankerous manner, retorting “don’t interrupt me. I didn’t interrupt you. Act like a lady.”  A couple of additional barbs flew by, but you get the idea. Rep. Bachmann was taken aback by the the Senator’s arrogance and felt like he was essentially telling her to “just sit back and keep quiet.” National media outlets have since picked-up the story, calling Specter’s remarks “patronizing, demeaning and disrespectful.”

All of this begs the question of why civility isn’t exercised more often than hot-tempered, intractactable behavior in our normal discourse with one another?  I used to encounter this stark difference in my former job. I always enjoyed the easy-going, extremely polite cadence when speaking with clients located in the Southern U.S. versus what I encountered with some clients in the Northeastern part of the country. Mr. Martin’s article referenced similar instances of this type of pleasant demeanor experienced during a recent trip in Florida.

I’m not being naive…none of us have the capacity to always be “Mr. Happy.”  I’m merely suggesting, particularly as we 50 plus males age, it’s not a given that we naturally fall into becoming irascible old men with a “my way or the highway” mentality. Senator Specter could have courteously asked Rep. Bachmann to please allow him to finish before rebutting his comments. Thoughtfulness generally trumps sarcasm. This applies to many types of instances we confront in a typical day. I’m still in a learning stage, having recently been chastised by a couple of friends for my penchant of quickly saying “hello” when they phone and almost immediately turning the call over to my wife.

Guys, Mr. Martin is right…most times, exhibiting a hard edge can and should be replaced with genial behavior and respectfulness.

-Neal

Last week my Inbox contained an email that  brought a smile to my face.  My barber Ben, who some time ago had the foresight to start a business website to serve as the primary vehicle for his customers to book appointments and provide easy two-way communication access with his clientele, was planning to close early on an upcoming Friday to attend his fiftieth high school reunion.

Next April welcomes my fortieth reunion…the mere thought of forty years having passed since graduation causes me to shake my head in utter disbelief, not dismay mind you, just incredulity as to where the time has gone.  I can only imagine how fifty years is hitting Ben.

My high school’s reunion committee has dutifully remained intact and has provided yeoman service in organizing these class events every five years. My best friend of the past forty-some years, Jeff, is a member of the committee and I’m always kept abreast of the latest reunion news.  I’m proud to say that I’ve attended all but one of these soirees and am a better man for having done so.  I state this for simple, yet essential reasons…

Reunions are thought by some to be trivial in nature, holding no importance other than momentarily reconnecting with only those closest to you during your high school years.  I suggest this avenue of thought does not hold any weight.  A reunion, especially for us 50 plus males (and females) is an indicative milestone, and shouldn’t be regarded as an incidental snobbish milieu, as oft-expressed.  They are a chance to celebrate that “we’re still alive and cooking” and can render emotional and spiritual benefits as a by-product of the surprising magnitude of physical bonding that can take place if you can just let go of any trepidation or reluctance.  Don’t worry about possible recidivist high-school-like behavior; people do mature…so have you.

When I married, my intent was to proudly have my wife accompany me to my reunions.  After attending one function, Neets remarked that I’d probably have a better time without her (definite “code speak” that she was bored, though I made an effort to include Neets in as many introductions and conversations as possible). While I didn’t agree, I have consequently attended the last few reunions solo, and while I yearn for my wife’s company, the exuberance and friendliness I have encountered among my classmates at each reunion has been so remarkable that I now understand what Neets was suggesting…it’s a time for me to truly “live in the moment” and cherish fond memories of years gone by. 

So Ben, I understand the excitement you expressed to me during my last haircut; becoming a golden oldie (which my class will soon discover) is a badge of honor; it sure as hell beats the alternative.  Go forth and celebrate!

-Neal 

Remember when you went to the movies as a kid?  You always went with your buddies and choosing a film was never a problem; you effortlessly came to common agreement nine times out of ten.  Now, as a 50 plus male, it’s a whole different story.  We generally no longer attend movies with just our buddies; we go as a twosome with our wives or (for the single guys) whomever we’re dating; anything more than a twosome means joining other couples.

This change of venue has brought about a conflict for many 50 plus males:  we tend to get the short end of the stick when decision time comes for movie choices. Our “better halves” most times dictate that we attend a “chick flick” as opposed to a “guy movie.”  My wife, Neets, is not one who even enjoys going to the movies, as she hates the lack of cleanliness found in many theaters along with the frequently noisy audiences.  But on the odd occasion that we do go to a movie, violence, sports, and silly comedies aren’t on the table for discussion. “Lighthearted,” “romantic,” and “anything with Meryl Streep” define the boundaries of the OK-to-see list.

The upshot of this discord is that the 50 plus male’s principal means of watching guy movies is limited to when they’re shown on television.  All of this got me to thinking about my next top ten list for The 50 Plus Male (see My Top Ten post from August 7 for the first list):  Favorite Guy Movies of All-time.  This, admittedly, is totally subjective, but the name of the game is to encourage thought and discussion for all of you.  So, without further adieu…

10.  Thief (this is a sleeper pick, but is possibly James Caan’s best movie other than The Godfather)

9.  Predator (OK, Arnold isn’t the greatest actor, but admit it, this was an intense film)

8.  The Wild Bunch (no guy’s list would be complete without a Sam Peckinpah movie, and this was one of his best)

7.  Deliverance (Burt Reynolds did quality work as Lewis Medlock, and after the “squeal like a pig”/ “weee” scene I never looked at bacon the same way again)

6.  Wall Street (power, greed, corruption, ego…what else do you need?)

5.  Dirty Harry (Clint’s introduction of one of cinema’s all-time great characters along with his alter-ego, the .44 Magnum)

4.  The Godfather (other than chick flicks, is there a top ten movie list that wouldn’t include this one?)

3.  Slap Shot (lewd humor, sports, camaraderie, lewd humor…in short, everything most women would not want to see)

2.  Cool Hand Luke (Paul Newman at his best, the egg-eating scene, the chain-gang/car wash scene where George Kennedy in his Oscar-winning role as Dragline says “Anything so innocent and built like that just gotta be named Lucille.”)

1.  The Dirty Dozen (Lee Marvin and an all-star cast providing the ultimate in bravery and lunacy)

The chief quality these films have is that you’ve probably seen each one at least five times, yet would watch them another five times…they never lose their appeal.  Ultimately, if Neets lets me watch these classics over and over, I guess I can endure the intermittent chick flick.  That’s our current understanding with one another; no need to express “what we’ve got here is…failure to communicate.”

-Neal

The most famous Rat Pack of all time, most 50 plus males would agree, consisted of Frank (Sinatra), Dean (Martin), Sammy (Davis, Jr.), Peter (Lawford) and Joey (Bishop).  They epitomized true friends who lived life to the fullest and “had each other’s backs” at the slightest hint of trouble.  They formed a tight-knit social unit, as best friends should; and while each man may have had many other individually cherished friendships, entry into the Pack was denied to anyone but the five of them.

While the original Rat Pack have all unfortunately passed on, the concept of the Rat Pack has continued to provide the 50 plus male the core of what each of us may consider our most important social circle outside of immediate family.  Whenever I am asked how life has blessed me, my best friendships, all of which are at least 35 years in duration, are near the top of my list.  My Rat Pack is both home grown (I live in a suburb of Philadelphia) and college-based (from my years as a student at Boston University).  My guys have been here in a heartbeat, for both good times and bad, as I have for them.

My intent, by the way, is not to slight any of our wives for some perceived lack of support, but sometimes a guy just needs to speak with “one of the boys” depending on the topic or task at hand…I know women can function the same way too, but male Rat Packs are different than our female counterparts in some crucial ways.  The most obvious, in my opinion, (oh boy am I going to draw some heat for this!) is that men are more quickly forgiving to their Rat Pack brothers for any slight; we just don’t hold grudges because that’s not part of our code.

As we progress through 50 plus years of age, these friendships seem to grow in importance.  I don’t take them for granted, as I sometimes did in my earlier years.  We no longer think of ourselves as invincible, not when other family members, friends, and classmates sadly are no longer with us.  Personally speaking, mere words cannot due justice to the high regard and “love” I have for my guys, and if they ever need me, I’m right here.

-Neal