Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category


Arriving with a Vengeance…

on October 31, 2009 in Marriage, Sex | 1 Comment »

For many of today’s 50 plus year old males, fifty is regarded as “the new forty.” For the rest of us, fifty is fifty–plain and simple.  There are, however, decidedly different personal viewpoints that arise once we gentlemen hit the “big 5-0.” The most telling sign that our perspectives change is when a friend injects the comment “That’s not the way we used to think about it” during a conversation.

So, in deference to the inevitable, I present you with a list of some of the more poignant moments that capture these contradictions—please read in an across direction:

When you were younger than 50 years old…         Now that you’re 50+ years old…

You barely noticed commercials for erectile dysfunction medications existed on television.

You find yourself believing every other commercial on television is for erectile dysfunction.

You didn’t care that ads for erectile dysfunction medications were now run on television.

You’ve begun asking your wife to please keep quiet during the commercial breaks for the   national nightly news programs, because you’re beginning to pay attention to those erectile dysfunction ads.

You never heard of Muira Puama or Catuaba.

You can’t believe you know these are Brazilian plants that supposedly improve the male libido.

You hated going plant shopping with your wife at the local nursery because of the severe boredom.

You hate going plant shopping with your wife at the local nursery because while she’s purchasing the geraniums and petunias, you’re thinking of Muira Puama and Catuaba.

You could barely spell “urologist.”

The head nurse at your urologist’s office now knows you almost as well as your wife.

You never really pictured “hanging” with a bunch of 75+ year old men.

When you go to the urologist, you realize you’re the only 50-something man in a roomful of 75+year olds and ask yourself “what’s wrong with this picture?”

You could barely spell “proctologist.”

You now have deep respect for the phrase “down periscope.”

Hugh Hefner rarely registered in your consciousness.

“Girls Next Door” is must-see TV and you’re leading the local fund-drive to erect a monument for Hugh Hefner.

When your wife caught you admiring a younger woman, you said “hey—just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I can’t look at the menu.”

When your wife catches you admiring a younger woman, you say” honey, the day I stop looking is the day you can bury me.”

Your wife thinks the above explanation is actually pretty healthy.

Your wife says “look at her for one more second and I’m going to bury you!”

“Nuff said…”

-Neal

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My Top Ten

on August 7, 2009 in Marriage, Sex | No Comments »

My wife Nita and I recently celebrated our 21st wedding anniversary.  This got me to thinking about the concept of fidelity and staying “true” to your woman.  I can honestly say I have never come close to straying. I am totally in love with Neets (my nickname for Nita)  but that doesn’t mean I don’t see any number of women on a given day that I find attractive…I am a red-blooded male for goodness sakes!

While I generally regard myself as a mature and courteous guy, I still, on many occasions, find myself rating women on their looks using the proverbial 1-10 scale…the same scale we all used in our (hopefully) wild and crazy single years when describing the women we were dating to our male friends.  Sometimes, however, instead of assigning a 1-10 rating to an attractive woman, I’ll make a simple mental note that “boy, she’d make it onto my top ten list.”

I know what you’re thinking…maybe I’m not as “true” as I’d have myself believe.  That simply isn’t the case; in fact I’d be more worried if I wasn’t still participating in the somewhat adolescent practice of rating a woman’s looks.  As the saying goes (and Neets agrees), “just because you’re on a diet doesn’t mean you can’t look at the menu.”

In addition to all of this, we are constantly besieged with various top ten lists via the media regarding celebrities (both male and female, but as a straight man, I’m focusing solely on the female side) based on their looks; for example, “the ten best female beach bodies,” “the ten best-looking women over forty years of age,” and so on.  Let’s face it guys, most of us fantasize when we see these lists.  I find myself thinking, “now there’s a woman I would like to have known in my single days.”  So I decided to jot down my current top-ten list of celebrities who can make me stop in my tracks…uh Neets honey, remember I’m only looking at the menu…

With a nod to The Late Show with David Letterman, here’s today’s top ten:

(honorable mentions who just missed the cut:  Marisa Miller, Jeri Ryan)

10.  Elle Macpherson

9.  Rosario Dawson

8.  Halle Berry

7.  Monica Bellucci

6.  Catherine Bell

5.  Diane Lane

4.  Salma Hayek

(author’s note:  for the top three choices on this list, I present women you may regard as past their heyday, but not only are they still damn attractive, they are my first three entries into Neal’s personal all-time Hall of Fame)

3.  Raquel Welch

2.  Ann-Margret

1.  Sophia Loren

There you have it, women of all sizes, shapes, color and ethnicity; all extremely talented in their field.  Hey, I’m not just a one-note kind of guy!  Some of the names, notably my Hall of Fame entries, are mainly thought of by us 50 plus males, but that’s OK; we know what the rest of you guys are missing.

-Neal

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