The 50 Plus Male

The New Year holiday period has just ended, typically signaling a time for a fresh outlook on life;   making minor tweaks and/or major adjustments to our daily rituals. In the 2 1/2 years I’ve been composing The 50 Plus Male blog, I’ve always skipped to fresh subject matter with each posting. So, to slightly “shake the tree,” and do something a bit different, this month’s dialogue will tie-in with our most recent article, “Sense and Sensibilities.”

While that article delved into my harsh feelings toward the blatant commercialization of my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving, you also got a glimpse into how much I truly treasure the meaning behind the day. A number of years ago, I noticed that my family had fallen into a pattern whereby a given holiday was annually hosted by the same person. I made a pronouncement that we had unwittingly started a “tradition,” with this unintended scheduling, so why not make it permanent? We have done so and my wife and I have always served as Thanksgiving hosts in the ensuing years. Quite frankly, a pair of pliers on steroids couldn’t pry away celebrating this holiday at our home, as my reverence for Thanksgiving far exceeds that of any other holiday.

In my younger days, I didn’t feel this way; one holiday morphed into the next without giving any special thought to its underlying purpose. As I’ve aged, however, my perceptions have naturally changed (for the better), and without “cutting things too thin” with my vernacular, the difference between doing something out of habit, versus the desire to do so due to tradition has illuminated. I think I’ve figured out why this has happened with me: the aging process is continually increasing my respect for personal emotions…

Let me provide two examples for you. In December 2010, I told Ed, my best friend of over 40 years, that my wife and I would not be joining “the gang” for our traditional (there’s that word again) New Year’s Eve dinner at a local French restaurant, an establishment with exceptional fare cooked by a world-renowned chef many of us have befriended. The reason was simple; we just didn’t want to spend the money, given how tight our finances were at the time. The next day, we had an unannounced visit from Ed and it didn’t take “an Einstein” to determine his reasoning. He literally pleaded with us to change our minds; the tradition of our crowd celebrating the New Year together was unbroken for all these many years; and his eyes literally began to fill-up with tears when he underscored how much this meant to him. If ever the delineation between “habit” versus “tradition” needed clarifying, it had just occurred. Needless to say, my wife and I immediately relented and once again joined our friends for our yearly celebration.

The second example just happened two weeks ago on Christmas Day. My wife and I have grown to appreciate the simple things when it comes to gifts from one another. Over the many years of our marriage, habit has evolved into tradition when I buy her stocking-stuffer gifts. They are always either a Christmas tree ornament and/or a holiday ornament for our fireplace hearth. Sound too mundane for you? Look into my wife’s eyes as she opens these gifts; I’m choking-up now with visions of her appreciative expression and gratitude…this seemingly innocuous tradition holds that much meaning for both of us.

Don’t sit there thinking I’m getting soft in my old age; as someone with a somewhat too-steely inner resolve, it’s a comfort knowing traditions are gradually melting away my edges.

-Neal

Those of you who have been avid followers of The 50 Plus Male since its inception are aware I “fought the good fight” against joining AARP (dating back to You Always Remember Your First). You also know I finally “swallowed my pride” and recently joined this august organization. AARP members automatically receive AARP The Magazine, and two articles in the latest issue have set-off a round of mental volleys that I’m having trouble resolving.

One brief discussion centers around people 50+ years of age being more trusting than younger adults. The premise is that we tend to more readily trust others, allowing us to widen our sphere of friendships. These experiences help us to become more perceptive in judging character and separating fact from fiction.

My response to this: really??

Without sounding overly cynical, I’ve encountered too many instances of the opposite behavior amongst my 50+ year old brethren to endorse this view. As we age, I find more and more of us becoming less forgiving…this conduct manifests in the increasing number of us judging people based on whatever is occurring during the worst of times instead of shaping views based over a sustained period. Unfortunately, I can personally attest to this shortsightedness; mind you, I am trying to be as polite as possible here. 

Presently enduring an increasingly long stretch of trying to effect a career change has brought about some rather severe lifestyle changes for my wife and I…those 50+ males in similar circumstances know how disheartening these circumstances can become, especially via pressures felt by our spouses, who should always remain our primary concern. What’s disconcerting is the surprisingly malevolent remarks made to me, and more importantly my wife, by some of our “friends” about our present situation. The level of vitriol bandied about is generally discharged without any knowledge on the part of others as to what is taking place on a daily basis re: my efforts to right the ship. It makes me wonder if the previous three-plus decades when everything was progressing smoothly, or, to quote Plato, we were thriving as opposed to surviving, even existed…

Why is it that when we become older (again, my opinion) facts tend to fly out the window and we revel in the fall of others? Isn’t this instead the time to grow more introspective and really try to form mature, factual opinions based on the entirety of one’s life to this point rather than myopically focusing on just our present lot? Simply put, do people really understand?

The oft-stated premise that “unless you’ve walked a mile in another person’s shoes, forming a valid opinion is without merit” is an assertion to which I wholeheartedly subscribe. Any  50+ individuals out there who have not had to re-brand themselves, (the subject of the second of the AARP articles previously referred to), don’t know from whence you speak. This concept of self-branding, developed by management guru Tom Peters, is difficult and time-consuming; indeed for many in our age bracket, it goes against our very nature since it can feel like a form of self-braggadocio. As the article states, you have to learn how to become CEO of your own new company, Me Inc. This requires digging deep and thinking about how your working life can (finally) become both pleasurable and fruitful, coupled with new levels of learning in order to avoid obsolescence. Determining one’s value proposition is never an easy task…progressing through the necessary steps to possibly change this is an even more difficult exercise, particularly at this stage of our lives. So again I ask, do people really understand?

Honestly folks, this post wasn’t composed for purposes of venting or complaining, and I’m cognizant, even hopeful this discussion will induce some strongly-felt feedback.  If both my own circle of friends and yours have gained a broader perspective in how to surmise a truer fact-based assessment, my job is done. If they haven’t learned anything and merely want to fire the next volley…well, bring it on, I’ve got a broad set of shoulders!

-Neal

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you

If you’re young at heart.

For it’s hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind

If you’re young at heart.

-Lyrics from “Young At Heart” by Frank Sinatra

A month ago I had the pleasure of attending nuptials for the son of my dear friends, Paul and Beth. Paul is a charter member of my esteemed  Boston University Rat Pack and met Beth while attending college. One of the many benefits of gatherings like this is they serve as yardsticks for the longevity and strength of everlasting friendships. The weekend was ripe with reminisces and laughter, and we quickly lost count of how many instances we uttered “I can’t believe we did that” while discussing our college years.

The kick-off to the wedding weekend was the Friday night dinner hosted by Paul and Beth for all of the out-of towners in attendance. In the midst of (admittedly too many) drinks and all the merriment taking place at the Rat Pack table, I commented that while all of us were turning fifty-eight years of age, I still thought of myself as twenty-five (now pointing to my forehead) up here. Quick, common agreement around the table caused a discussion to ensue on this “phenomenon” so often felt by many other fifty plus men and women. Is thinking of oneself as being younger than chronological age purely an exercise in mental delusion? Or, does this feeling have real emotional grounds, based on your current life circumstances or other criteria?

Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not suggesting the feeling of immortality we felt in our teens and twenties. At this stage of the game, every day must be savored. We’re living in very tough economic times now, as detailed in a previous post, Half Full or Half Empty, and many fifty plus couples have seen their savings devastated, find themselves unemployed or underemployed, and regard “retirement” as merely a word in the dictionary. Mix this with increasing health concerns/costs for our age group and you might think it’s enough to “drive one into the grave” as opposed to feeling sprite and chipper.

The real trick, as I see it, is to realize how family and (in this case) friends can provide a circle of support capable of lifting you from the doldrums even in the worst of times. Sometimes, it just takes a “kick in the pants” like a rowdy dinner with friends recalling good times past and those yet to come. During the Friday night festivities, all daily concerns and troubles evaporated; the camaraderie formed by friendships spanning almost forty years took firm grasp of the evening and laid a foundation for one of the most enjoyable weekends of our lives.

There are countless boomer generation articles on how to feel young at heart offering prescriptions  revolving around pursuing hobbies, supporting pet causes, travelling, staying physically active, etc. There’s certainly nothing wrong with this advice, but it needs to defer to the more basic elements inherent in this discussion—levity, laughter, family, friendship and most importantly, the genuine ability to really care for those around you. In the end, you’ll experience levels of happiness that are multiples of what you give of yourself…

-Neal

Last week my Inbox contained an email that  brought a smile to my face.  My barber Ben, who some time ago had the foresight to start a business website to serve as the primary vehicle for his customers to book appointments and provide easy two-way communication access with his clientele, was planning to close early on an upcoming Friday to attend his fiftieth high school reunion.

Next April welcomes my fortieth reunion…the mere thought of forty years having passed since graduation causes me to shake my head in utter disbelief, not dismay mind you, just incredulity as to where the time has gone.  I can only imagine how fifty years is hitting Ben.

My high school’s reunion committee has dutifully remained intact and has provided yeoman service in organizing these class events every five years. My best friend of the past forty-some years, Jeff, is a member of the committee and I’m always kept abreast of the latest reunion news.  I’m proud to say that I’ve attended all but one of these soirees and am a better man for having done so.  I state this for simple, yet essential reasons…

Reunions are thought by some to be trivial in nature, holding no importance other than momentarily reconnecting with only those closest to you during your high school years.  I suggest this avenue of thought does not hold any weight.  A reunion, especially for us 50 plus males (and females) is an indicative milestone, and shouldn’t be regarded as an incidental snobbish milieu, as oft-expressed.  They are a chance to celebrate that “we’re still alive and cooking” and can render emotional and spiritual benefits as a by-product of the surprising magnitude of physical bonding that can take place if you can just let go of any trepidation or reluctance.  Don’t worry about possible recidivist high-school-like behavior; people do mature…so have you.

When I married, my intent was to proudly have my wife accompany me to my reunions.  After attending one function, Neets remarked that I’d probably have a better time without her (definite “code speak” that she was bored, though I made an effort to include Neets in as many introductions and conversations as possible). While I didn’t agree, I have consequently attended the last few reunions solo, and while I yearn for my wife’s company, the exuberance and friendliness I have encountered among my classmates at each reunion has been so remarkable that I now understand what Neets was suggesting…it’s a time for me to truly “live in the moment” and cherish fond memories of years gone by. 

So Ben, I understand the excitement you expressed to me during my last haircut; becoming a golden oldie (which my class will soon discover) is a badge of honor; it sure as hell beats the alternative.  Go forth and celebrate!

-Neal 

The most famous Rat Pack of all time, most 50 plus males would agree, consisted of Frank (Sinatra), Dean (Martin), Sammy (Davis, Jr.), Peter (Lawford) and Joey (Bishop).  They epitomized true friends who lived life to the fullest and “had each other’s backs” at the slightest hint of trouble.  They formed a tight-knit social unit, as best friends should; and while each man may have had many other individually cherished friendships, entry into the Pack was denied to anyone but the five of them.

While the original Rat Pack have all unfortunately passed on, the concept of the Rat Pack has continued to provide the 50 plus male the core of what each of us may consider our most important social circle outside of immediate family.  Whenever I am asked how life has blessed me, my best friendships, all of which are at least 35 years in duration, are near the top of my list.  My Rat Pack is both home grown (I live in a suburb of Philadelphia) and college-based (from my years as a student at Boston University).  My guys have been here in a heartbeat, for both good times and bad, as I have for them.

My intent, by the way, is not to slight any of our wives for some perceived lack of support, but sometimes a guy just needs to speak with “one of the boys” depending on the topic or task at hand…I know women can function the same way too, but male Rat Packs are different than our female counterparts in some crucial ways.  The most obvious, in my opinion, (oh boy am I going to draw some heat for this!) is that men are more quickly forgiving to their Rat Pack brothers for any slight; we just don’t hold grudges because that’s not part of our code.

As we progress through 50 plus years of age, these friendships seem to grow in importance.  I don’t take them for granted, as I sometimes did in my earlier years.  We no longer think of ourselves as invincible, not when other family members, friends, and classmates sadly are no longer with us.  Personally speaking, mere words cannot due justice to the high regard and “love” I have for my guys, and if they ever need me, I’m right here.

-Neal