The 50 Plus Male

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you

If you’re young at heart.

For it’s hard, you will find, to be narrow of mind

If you’re young at heart.

-Lyrics from “Young At Heart” by Frank Sinatra

A month ago I had the pleasure of attending nuptials for the son of my dear friends, Paul and Beth. Paul is a charter member of my esteemed  Boston University Rat Pack and met Beth while attending college. One of the many benefits of gatherings like this is they serve as yardsticks for the longevity and strength of everlasting friendships. The weekend was ripe with reminisces and laughter, and we quickly lost count of how many instances we uttered “I can’t believe we did that” while discussing our college years.

The kick-off to the wedding weekend was the Friday night dinner hosted by Paul and Beth for all of the out-of towners in attendance. In the midst of (admittedly too many) drinks and all the merriment taking place at the Rat Pack table, I commented that while all of us were turning fifty-eight years of age, I still thought of myself as twenty-five (now pointing to my forehead) up here. Quick, common agreement around the table caused a discussion to ensue on this “phenomenon” so often felt by many other fifty plus men and women. Is thinking of oneself as being younger than chronological age purely an exercise in mental delusion? Or, does this feeling have real emotional grounds, based on your current life circumstances or other criteria?

Don’t get me wrong here; I’m not suggesting the feeling of immortality we felt in our teens and twenties. At this stage of the game, every day must be savored. We’re living in very tough economic times now, as detailed in a previous post, Half Full or Half Empty, and many fifty plus couples have seen their savings devastated, find themselves unemployed or underemployed, and regard “retirement” as merely a word in the dictionary. Mix this with increasing health concerns/costs for our age group and you might think it’s enough to “drive one into the grave” as opposed to feeling sprite and chipper.

The real trick, as I see it, is to realize how family and (in this case) friends can provide a circle of support capable of lifting you from the doldrums even in the worst of times. Sometimes, it just takes a “kick in the pants” like a rowdy dinner with friends recalling good times past and those yet to come. During the Friday night festivities, all daily concerns and troubles evaporated; the camaraderie formed by friendships spanning almost forty years took firm grasp of the evening and laid a foundation for one of the most enjoyable weekends of our lives.

There are countless boomer generation articles on how to feel young at heart offering prescriptions  revolving around pursuing hobbies, supporting pet causes, travelling, staying physically active, etc. There’s certainly nothing wrong with this advice, but it needs to defer to the more basic elements inherent in this discussion—levity, laughter, family, friendship and most importantly, the genuine ability to really care for those around you. In the end, you’ll experience levels of happiness that are multiples of what you give of yourself…

-Neal

The most famous Rat Pack of all time, most 50 plus males would agree, consisted of Frank (Sinatra), Dean (Martin), Sammy (Davis, Jr.), Peter (Lawford) and Joey (Bishop).  They epitomized true friends who lived life to the fullest and “had each other’s backs” at the slightest hint of trouble.  They formed a tight-knit social unit, as best friends should; and while each man may have had many other individually cherished friendships, entry into the Pack was denied to anyone but the five of them.

While the original Rat Pack have all unfortunately passed on, the concept of the Rat Pack has continued to provide the 50 plus male the core of what each of us may consider our most important social circle outside of immediate family.  Whenever I am asked how life has blessed me, my best friendships, all of which are at least 35 years in duration, are near the top of my list.  My Rat Pack is both home grown (I live in a suburb of Philadelphia) and college-based (from my years as a student at Boston University).  My guys have been here in a heartbeat, for both good times and bad, as I have for them.

My intent, by the way, is not to slight any of our wives for some perceived lack of support, but sometimes a guy just needs to speak with “one of the boys” depending on the topic or task at hand…I know women can function the same way too, but male Rat Packs are different than our female counterparts in some crucial ways.  The most obvious, in my opinion, (oh boy am I going to draw some heat for this!) is that men are more quickly forgiving to their Rat Pack brothers for any slight; we just don’t hold grudges because that’s not part of our code.

As we progress through 50 plus years of age, these friendships seem to grow in importance.  I don’t take them for granted, as I sometimes did in my earlier years.  We no longer think of ourselves as invincible, not when other family members, friends, and classmates sadly are no longer with us.  Personally speaking, mere words cannot due justice to the high regard and “love” I have for my guys, and if they ever need me, I’m right here.

-Neal